Anxiety and That First Healthy Relationship

 

Some days the anxiety wins. It took me more than fifty years to understand the grip it has on me. Not “had”. The bastard doesn’t give up easily and at times it is so impossible to tell the lies it tells from actual red flags. That’s how it wins.

And God help anyone who loves a person with crippling anxiety. We can trust you 100%, but we are convinced that something better than us will come along and will convince ourselves that you deserve that better thing, just waiting for the news that you’ve moved on. If there isn’t a better option, the next lie is that we are too much work, and we wouldn’t blame anyone for getting tired of the constant need for reassurance. Especially when we do know better because we shouldn’t need it. Yet we do.

Our practical, analytical minds know every reason and recall every act that disproves the lies, yet the bastard can use those same facts to drive anxiety higher. There are good days, we are confident in our situation yet one small thing triggers a different part of the anxiety and even when recognized and addressed early, it’s off to the races with the imagined problems and potential blow up. It’s a vicious cycle that we must chip away at over time.

Make no mistake, even as we make progress, especially with the blessing of a patient and reassuring partner, actually, because of, we slide into guilt for what we have put them through. It’s part of the gratitude and the fear of being a nuisance, a burden, unworthy.

What does anxiety look like to the supportive partner? Overthinking. Here are a few things to consider both for the Supportive Partner (or prospective Supportive Partner) and for the Overthinker.

For the Supportive Partner: Please be patient, and always be consistent. Actions must match words and if they can’t, don’t be surprised if the Overthinker becomes withdrawn or confrontational. Be prepared to help them understand why the difference. Did something come up that couldn’t be avoided? Was it a simple mistake? You are not having to justify or defend yourself; you are helping the Overthinker to remember that things happen and not every inconsistency is a conspiracy against them. This is an individual who has been intentionally lied to enough times that it is ingrained in their self-worth. Over time that programming will be undone, but it takes time and more than one instance to help them with a new reality.

Reassurance is very important and be assured that they will not easily ask for it.  Most often they have been told that they are needy, clingy or childish for wanting or needing the simplest assurance or kindnesses. This is very often a person who has been dismissed to the point that they decided no one cared or would help and has become hyper independent. They do need to learn to accept your help, your assurance, your unwavering presence. If they do reach out to you, this is huge. Be 100% engaged and listen. More often than not they do not need answers. They simply need to be heard and to know that you understand why they have fears. Again, reassure. They do need you, and the battle they are fighting inside is nearly impossible to understand unless you’ve been there. If you have, then you know and can gauge how to respond and what they need.

A touchy, but important thing to keep in mind is that the Overthinker can know full well that things are fine, you are there for them, and yet Anxiety does its usual lying and again, they are in the middle of a full-blown battle in their head, and it takes their emotions, and even their physical well being down with it. It’s important to remind them, even though they often already know, that they are overthinking, stuck in their head. Gently let them know to get out of their head. I say “gently” because they have also been gaslit repeatedly, telling them that they’re overthinking.  But in those cases, it was with the implication that they were “crazy” or wrong when in fact they were completely right.  Again, reassurance and consistency. And patience.  Hold their hand, or even better, hug them. A long silent embrace can be the Most healing, reassuring thing in the world for someone stuck in their head battling anxiety. Read the situation. If it’s bad enough, they may say “No” or resist, so take your time, do not take it personally and you will most likely find that they really do want and need that hug, and they will accept it.

Overthinkers, this is for you. NEVER compare your partner to those who hurt you before. Someone else caused you pain; do not strike out at the person who did not. You are learning to let someone love you because you have most likely been made to feel unlovable, and unworthy. Both are part of the big lie. You know it, but this is deep conditioning that has to be unraveled. Be gentle with yourself and when the emotional spiral hits, the first thing you need to start doing is addressing the anxiety for what it is: a knee jerk reaction leading to worst case scenario thoughts and all of anxiety’s lies.  Call them for what they are, lies and bad conditioning.

Anxiety is survival mode and unhealthy coping mechanisms that were once necessary but took away the ability to discern between real red flags and perceived ones. After so many painful incidents it is easier to look for red flags in everything, overthink, catching every detail and analyzing it to death and defaulting to an escape route rather than risk the pain and disappointment again. This does not resolve overnight, but by being a part of your own healing and shifting your programming to recognize that healthy patterns do exist, you will begin to release old habits and find that the spiral comes less and less often.

Acknowledge the small changes, the shifts in emotions when things that once triggered anxiety begin to lose their grip. Show your Supportive Partner that you appreciate them. Say Thank You when they compliment you and remind you that you are Worthy.  Do not get defensive when they remind you that you’re stuck inside your head. When they say that, it shows that they’re paying attention and want to help you break the cycle.

I’ve included a link below to the ADAA with helpful information.

Tips and Strategies to Manage Anxiety and Stress | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA

Be a Team. Communication; real, honest, compassionate communication is key in any relationship, but even more so here because for at least one of you, it was once a direct path to conflict and pain. You are together because of the good things you see in each other and the even better things to come. It’s not an easy path for either partner, but it is worth it.

Keep in mind that I am not a relationship counselor. I am an individual who has experienced the situations that led to Anxiety, and not just about relationships.  What I share here is from personal experience and the research I have had to do for my own sake as well as that of those closest to me.

We are all works of progress and there is brilliance in that. We learn, we grow, we connect with others, and we flourish. But we have to do the work. And we are able to cheer on others going through the same, showing them that there is something wonderful on the other side of that battle.