Authenticity Detox #7 - The Integration Hangover—Living Your Truth Without Burning It All Down

 

You’ve done the work. You’ve unearthed the truth. You’ve stripped back the performance, reclaimed your voice, and started showing up as who you actually are.

Sometimes, after a rush of clarity or a breakthrough, there comes a period that feels unexpectedly difficult, the integration hangover. It’s that peculiar aftermath when you’ve made bold steps toward honesty with yourself and others, only to find the world doesn’t instantly adjust to your new alignment. You’ve spoken up, set the boundary, quit the role, or let your true colors show, and yet daily life continues with its complexities and obligations. The exhilaration of transformation gives way to a sense of fatigue, confusion, and uncertainty, as if your psyche needs to catch up with your actions.

In these moments, it’s easy to wonder if you’ve gone too far or exposed too much. Perhaps you fear you’ve overcorrected, risking relationships or stability for the sake of truth. The reality is, integration is rarely a neat process. It involves reconciling the parts of yourself that have been hiding, negotiating with old patterns, and learning how to show up authentically without disregarding the needs and boundaries of others.

If you feel a bit lost in this process, know you are not alone. The hangover is not a sign that you’ve failed, but rather a marker of growth’s inherent awkwardness. As you recalibrate, you may notice people close to you reacting strongly, whether with discomfort, admiration, or resistance. Your truth can be both liberating and disruptive, not only to yourself but to the systems and relationships in which you participate.

The real work, then, is in practicing patience. Instead of rushing to resolve the tension, allow yourself time to settle into your new reality. Give space for emotions to surface and pass, for conversations to unfold, and for others to adjust. Integration asks for humility, the willingness to let things take their course, to admit when you don’t have all the answers, and to remain curious about what comes next.

It can help to focus on small, sustainable practices, such as regular self-reflection, gentle communication, and mindful decision-making. These habits keep you grounded as you navigate the unpredictable terrain of authenticity. Remember that living your truth is not a one-time event but a process of continual adjustment. Each day presents opportunities to refine, learn, and grow.

Most importantly, don’t forget the importance of support. Seek out those who can hold space for your evolution, whether friends, mentors, or communities. Sharing your experience can lighten the emotional load and offer new perspectives. Sometimes, simply hearing that others have walked similar paths is enough to restore your confidence and sense of belonging.

As you move through this phase, trust that the discomfort is temporary. Over time, the rawness subsides and is replaced by a quieter, more steady sense of alignment. You will find ways to live your truth without sacrificing compassion, and you’ll discover that authenticity does not require destruction but, rather, an ongoing commitment to honesty and care.

So if today feels messy, remember it’s all part of the process. Your integration hangover is evidence that the work matters. Stay present, stay gentle, and let your truth settle into your bones.

So why does it feel like everything’s falling apart?

Welcome to the integration hangover.

 “Becoming your true self isn’t a glow-up, it’s a system disruption.”

Why the Fallout Happens
When you stop pretending, people who liked the mask may get uncomfortable. When you speak your truth, those who benefited from your silence might bristle. When you choose your integrity, it might cost you relationships, roles, or routines.

That’s not failure. That’s feedback. You’re not burning your life down—you’re letting the parts that can’t hold your truth fall away.

It’s Not Regression, It’s Realignment
The chaos that sometimes follows an authenticity breakthrough isn’t a sign to retreat. It’s a sign that your life is recalibrating to meet the new version of you.

Integration isn’t just about clarity. It’s about capacity. It’s how you hold your truth in the messy, real-world spaces where not everyone’s ready for it.

The Temptation to Backslide
In the face of pushback, it’s tempting to shrink. To put the mask back on. To say, “Never mind, I didn’t mean it.” But you *did* mean it. And that truth still matters, even if not everyone can meet it.

You don’t owe anyone a performance. But you do owe yourself consistency.

Try This:
- Anchor your truth: write down 3 core truths you’ve reclaimed—keep them visible
- When doubt creeps in, ask: “Am I actually unsafe—or just unfamiliar with being this honest?”
- Surround yourself with people who don’t need you to shrink to be loved

Integration isn’t tidy. But it is sacred. And the life that’s waiting on the other side? It’s built on truth you can actually stand in.

That’s the detox. That’s the return. And it’s just the beginning.

If you enjoyed this series or any posts on the Blackbird Diaries blog, feel free to share with others. And you can message me with questions or leave a comment here. And if you are interested in doing some deeper work, reach out. You can find me at raven@eldertreecoaching.com and we'll discuss sessions or a program that works for you. If you have a topic you'd like to see covered in the blog and/or podcast, drop a note to raven@blackbirddiaries.com. 

Wishing you all the best, and a raucous sense of humor for when things go stupid. You got this.

Raven

 

Authenticity Detox #6 - The Intimacy Gap: Why Being Seen Feels So Damn Scary

 

Let’s get uncomfortable. You’ve been doing the work. You’re shedding layers, dropping masks, and getting real. But when it’s time to actually let someone see the real you, something shifts, panic sets in, a vulnerability hangover takes over, and suddenly you’re gripped by the urge to run.

“Being authentic doesn’t mean being fearless, it means being real, even when it’s terrifying.”

Why We Freeze at the Threshold

Authenticity requires intimacy, and intimacy is built on risk, the risk of rejection, judgment, or abandonment. For many of us, those risks aren’t just hypothetical. They have become muscle memory, shaped by years of experiences and relationships.

It’s one thing to accept yourself privately, maybe in a journal entry as your thoughts flow freely. It’s another to show up, raw and unrehearsed, in front of someone else and allow your real self to stand in the open.

We want to be seen, but we also want to be safe. Sometimes those two fundamental needs pull us in opposite directions, causing hesitation, doubt, and tension.

The Armor of Pretending

When you’ve spent years people-pleasing, adapting yourself to fit expectations, code-switching, or curating your personality for approval, authenticity can feel dangerously exposing. You might catch yourself sabotaging relationships, withholding your truth, or bracing for an impact that may never come.

This isn’t failure. It’s your internal protection system kicking in. These defenses are built over time, designed to shield you from pain, rejection, or disappointment. They served a purpose, but now, as you strive for genuine connection, they may hold you back.

Building Capacity for Realness

You don’t have to bulldoze your defenses. Instead, become curious about them. Ask yourself what these protective mechanisms are trying to keep you safe from. Real intimacy grows in slow, intentional spaces where trust is earned, where feedback is kind, and where your nervous system has space to breathe without screaming at you to shut down.

True intimacy flourishes over time. It’s cultivated where trust is built, where gentle feedback is offered, where you can begin to lower your guard and let your true self emerge, bit by bit.

Try This:

·         Notice when you’re tempted to hide, then pause. Ask, “What am I afraid will happen if I’m fully seen here?” This simple question can illuminate patterns and fears you didn’t know you had.

·         Practice micro-authenticity: reveal a little more than you usually would, but only with safe people who have earned your trust. Gradually, this builds your capacity for openness without overwhelming your sense of safety.

·         Journal or voice record a moment when you felt truly seen and pay attention to how your body reacted. What physical sensations did you experience? How did your breath, posture, or energy shift?

You don’t have to be fearless to be real. You just have to be willing to show up even if your hands are trembling or your voice shakes. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to step forward in spite of it.

Coming next: **The Integration Hangover—Living Your Truth Without Burning It All Down**

Authenticity Detox #5 - Spiritual Burnout: When Authenticity Feels Exhausting

Here’s something nobody warns you about on the spiritual path: sometimes authenticity gets exhausting.

All that inner work. All that shadow excavation. All that peeling back of old masks. You think the more “authentic” you become, the more energized you’ll feel. But what happens when the opposite shows up?

What if your authenticity journey starts to feel like spiritual burnout?

 “You’re not tired because you’re failing. You’re tired because healing takes energy and you’ve been doing the work.”

Why You’re Exhausted
Being fake is draining, yes.

In today’s world, the call to “be authentic” rings louder than ever, reverberating through social media feeds and echoing in everyday conversations. We are urged to bare our souls, to inhabit our truth unapologetically, and to let our inner selves shine. Yet, paradoxically, this relentless pursuit of authenticity can bring not freedom, but fatigue, a unique exhaustion rooted deep within the spirit.

Spiritual burnout emerges when the quest for genuine self-expression collides with the daily grind, social expectations, and our own internal standards. For many, the journey begins with a rush of clarity and purpose, a sense of liberation as old masks are shed. But soon, maintaining this level of openness and honesty can feel like carrying a weight, one that grows heavier with every vulnerable conversation and every moment of self-reflection.

This exhaustion is not simply tiredness, but a weariness woven through the soul. It manifests as a loss of passion for practices that once brought joy, a detachment from communities that once felt supportive, and a creeping doubt about one’s path. Instead of feeling empowered by authenticity, we may find ourselves questioning if it’s all too much: too exposing, too demanding, too isolating.

Why does this happen? The answer is multifaceted. Authenticity, when misunderstood, can become a performance rather than a practice, a set of expectations we place on ourselves. We might feel compelled to share everything, to constantly process and present our innermost thoughts, and to never hide behind a polite smile or a simple “I’m fine.” In truth, authentic living is not about radical transparency at all times. It is about discernment, knowing when to reveal and when to retreat, when to speak and when to hold silence.

To heal from spiritual burnout, it’s essential to revisit our understanding of authenticity. Consider embracing these gentle remedies:

·         Allow Yourself to be Incomplete: Authenticity is a journey, not a destination. Permit yourself to grow slowly, to change your mind, and to honor the parts of yourself that are still unfolding.

·         Create Safe Spaces for Vulnerability: Seek out relationships and communities where your true self is welcomed, but not demanded. True connection flourishes in environments where honesty is met with compassion, not judgment.

·         Practice Restorative Silence: Silence is not the enemy of authenticity. Sometimes, the most honest thing we can do is to retreat inward, to rest, and to nurture ourselves quietly.

·         Set Boundaries Around Sharing: Not every truth needs to be spoken at every moment. Trust your instincts about when to share and when to safeguard your experiences.

·         Reconnect with Joyful Practices: Return to activities that replenish your spirit, whether that’s meditation, art, movement, or time in nature. Remember that authenticity is not just about struggle; it’s also about ease and delight.

Ultimately, spiritual burnout teaches us the necessity of balance. To be authentic is to be whole, which includes honoring our need for privacy, rest, and gentleness. Let authenticity be a light that guides, not a torch that burns. Embrace the paradox: sometimes, the truest thing you can do is to simply be, without explanation or expectation.

In the end, your spirit will thank you for the space to breathe, the freedom to choose, and the wisdom to know that authenticity is both a gift and a gentle invitation to return home to yourself.

But so is being constantly hyper-aware of your triggers, boundaries, trauma patterns, spiritual hygiene, and emotional regulation.

You’re not just showing up as your real self. You’re monitoring how real you’re allowed to be in every space you walk into. That takes a toll.

Signs of Spiritual Burnout:
- Feeling numb where you used to feel curious
- Avoiding your practices because they feel like homework
- Feeling like you’re “doing authenticity wrong” if you have bad days

Sometimes the exhaustion comes from trying to “stay real” in environments that still reward performative bullshit. You’re not broken. You’re just tired of swimming upstream.

Permission to Rest
You don’t have to be deeply self-aware 24/7 to be authentic. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to coast. You’re allowed to have days where your only spiritual practice is *not snapping at anyone* before your first coffee.

Try This:
- Take a break from “working on yourself” and just *be*
- Revisit the practices that once felt like joy, not obligation
- Talk to your shadow: “What would rest look like for you right now?”

Burnout doesn’t mean you’re off path. It means your body is asking for balance. And real authenticity includes honoring your need to pause.

Coming next: **The Intimacy Gap—Why Being Seen Feels So Damn Scary**

 

Authenticity Detox #4 - Your Authenticity Doesn’t Need an Audience

 

Let’s go ahead and rip the bandage off this one: your authenticity isn’t a performance. It’s not content. It’s not another curated identity for likes, applause, or spiritual street cred.

Your authenticity is yours. It doesn’t need to be seen to be real.

There’s a trap that shows up during healing and shadow work especially when you’re doing it online. You start unmasking, breaking cycles, embracing your weirdness, your softness, your rage… and suddenly you feel like you have to *show* it. Like if no one sees the transformation, did it even happen?

 “Authenticity isn’t proven through visibility. It’s proven through consistency.”

When Your Truth Isn’t Palatable
There will be parts of you that don’t get celebrated. Truths that make people uncomfortable. Boundaries that upset others. Vulnerability that isn’t aesthetically pleasing. And that’s okay.

You’re not here to be understood by everyone.

There will inevitably be moments in life when your truth, your honest feelings, beliefs, or lived experience meets resistance. Sometimes, your perspective may unsettle, confuse, or even disappoint people around you. It is in these moments that authenticity is truly tested. Choosing to express your truth, even when it is not readily accepted or understood, demands courage and compassion. The discomfort others feel in the face of your honesty is not necessarily a reflection of your worth or the validity of your experience. Instead, it highlights the complexity of human connection and the challenge of being fully seen.

Being authentic does not mean forcing your narrative upon others or seeking validation at any cost. Rather, it asks you to honor your inner compass, even if that means standing alone at times. The journey through unpalatable truths teaches resilience and self-respect. By embracing the whole of who you are, especially when your truth is inconvenient or misaligned with others’ expectations, you cultivate deeper self-acceptance. The courage to remain authentic, despite discomfort, becomes a quiet but profound act of self-care.

What Authentic Living Looks Like
- You say what you mean even when no one’s clapping
- You choose integrity over image
- You feel safe in your own presence, not just others’
- You let your values shape your choices, not your audience

This doesn’t mean you can’t share your journey. But make sure you’re not living for the echo.
Authentic living is not a static state but an ongoing practice, a way of moving through the world with integrity and presence. It means being attuned to your values and making choices that align with your inner convictions, even in small, everyday moments. Authentic living is apparent in the gentle refusal to conform simply for ease and in the willingness to be vulnerable, to make mistakes, and to grow openly.

It looks like listening to your intuition when it nudges you toward change, honoring your boundaries without apology, and expressing gratitude and affection freely. Authentic living is visible in the quiet contentment that comes from living in harmony with your truth, and in the flexibility to evolve as you learn more about yourself and the world around you. It is the freedom to show up, imperfect and whole, without the constant burden of performance. In essence, authentic living is a commitment to honesty with oneself, and a compassionate invitation for others to do the same.

You’re here to be whole.

The constant need for external validation is just another mask. This time it’s wearing spiritual makeup and carrying a ring light.


Try This:
- Take a break from posting. Just *be* in your process, privately.
- Ask yourself: If no one ever knew about this transformation, would I still want it?
- Practice a moment of authenticity each day that isn’t witnessed—just felt.

Your authenticity isn’t a costume or a campaign. It’s not for sale. It’s not for likes.

It’s for you.

Coming next: **Stop Mistaking Exposure for Intimacy**

Authenticity Detox #3 - When You Don’t Know Who You Are Without the Mask

 

So you’ve started shedding the masks: the performer, the peacekeeper, the overachiever, the one who always “has it together.” And now what?

Now you feel… lost.

Here’s the part no one talks about: the in-between. That raw, confusing middle space where you’ve let go of who you’re not, but don’t fully know who you are yet. Welcome to identity withdrawal. It’s a real thing.

 “Losing the mask means facing the mirror and seeing your real self without filters for the first time.”

Why It Feels So Unsettling
We’re taught to equate our identity with our roles. The caretaker. The strong one. The funny one. The reliable one. When those roles fade, it can feel like you’re unraveling. But that unraveling? That’s actually integration.

You’re not falling apart. You’re coming into alignment.

Signs You’re in the In-Between
- You question what you actually enjoy when no one’s watching
- You feel emotionally raw or hyper-sensitive
- You get bored or restless without the old “hustle” identity
- You crave solitude but fear loneliness

This stage isn’t failure. It’s foundation. One of the most profound steps on the journey toward authenticity is the ability to discern which roles you inhabit from the inside out, and which you have crafted in response to the expectations and desires of others. Genuine roles feel rooted when you step into them, there is an undercurrent of ease, a natural alignment between your actions and your core values. There is no lingering anxiety about being “found out,” no chafing at the seams. You might lose track of time, feel a quiet sense of pride, or notice that your energy is replenished rather than drained.

By contrast, roles that are “put on” to please others often carry the weight of performance. These masks might start with a simple desire to belong, to win approval, or to avoid conflict, but over time, they can grow rigid, restricting your movements and muffling your voice. You may find yourself rehearsing words before you speak, monitoring reactions, or feeling a persistent fatigue that stems from the effort of maintaining the façade. There is a subtle sense of disconnection between your outer presentation and your inner landscape.

Recognizing the difference requires gentle, ongoing self-inquiry. Ask yourself: When do I feel most at home in my own skin? In whose presence do I lose this comfort? Notice the moments when you move from spontaneity into calculation, when laughter feels forced, or when silence becomes a shield. Becoming aware of these shifts is not about self-judgment, but about cultivating compassion for the parts of you that adapted to survive.

With practice, you can begin to reclaim old, well-worn roles and reshape them into reflections of your truest self. Authenticity is not about abandoning every mask, but about understanding their origins, and choosing, again and again, to return to what feels real.

It’s where you get to *choose* who you’re becoming instead of defaulting to what you were programmed to be.

Try This:
- Journal: Who am I becoming now that I’ve stopped performing?
- Explore activities, aesthetics, or beliefs you never gave yourself permission to try
- Sit in silence, not to “achieve calm,” but to meet yourself without distractions

You’re allowed to be in process. You’re allowed to not have a polished answer. You’re allowed to rediscover joy like a kid who finally got their hands on the crayons again.

This isn’t regression. It’s remembering.

Coming next: **Your Authenticity Doesn’t Need an Audience**

Authenticity Detox #2 - You’re Not Too Much

 

If you’ve ever been told you’re too intense, too emotional, too loud, too sensitive, too weird, this one’s for you.

Let’s be clear: you’re not too much. You’ve probably just been trying to survive in spaces that couldn’t handle your depth.

Somewhere along the way, someone taught you to shrink. To tone it down. To play small. To take up less space, feel fewer things, and perform a more acceptable version of yourself. It worked for a while. But now it’s choking your spirit. Very often this happens because of their exposure to others whose blatant inauthenticity created a knee-jerk reaction to the Mad Hatter’s “muchness”. There are big personalities and there are loud performers. Allow me a moment to explain the difference.

Understanding Authentic Expression Versus Inauthentic Performance

There is a profound distinction between being suppressed for your innate depth and intensity, and intentionally performing exaggerated behaviors in order to attract attention. Both experiences may receive similar labels, “too much,” “too intense,” “too dramatic”, but their roots and outcomes are fundamentally different.

Suppression of Authentic Depth

Suppression occurs when your genuine emotions, thoughts, or ways of being are deemed “too much” by those around you. This often happens in environments such as family, schools, workplaces, social groups that are uncomfortable with the richness or strength of your feelings, ideas, or presence. As a result, you might be pressured, subtly or overtly, to minimize who you are. The message is clear: shrink, quiet down, be less, so others don’t feel their own discomfort.

·         Motivation: You are simply being yourself, feeling deeply, thinking expansively, expressing passionately, but others can’t handle or understand it.

·         Consequences: Over time, you may internalize these messages and begin to suppress your own authenticity, losing touch with the full spectrum of yourself.

·         Example: You share an emotional response to beauty or injustice and are told you’re “Overreacting.” Or you speak passionately about your interests and are told you’re “too much.”

Inauthentic Performance for Attention

In contrast, some individuals consciously or unconsciously amplify their reactions, behaviors, or stories not as an authentic expression, but as a strategy to be seen, to fill a void, or to seek validation. This is not about being “too much” in essence, but about performing “too muchness” as a mask for something else.

·         Motivation: The drive here is often to be noticed, admired, or even pitied. The underlying self may feel unseen, so their outward behaviors become louder, more dramatic, or more extreme as a way to elicit any kind of response.

·         Consequences: This performance can alienate others, create superficial relationships, and ultimately leave the individual feeling even more disconnected from their true self.

·         Example: Someone who constantly dominates conversations with exaggerated stories, or who escalates minor events into melodrama, not as a reflection of genuine experience, but as a way to command attention (positive or negative).

Key Differences

Aspect	Suppressed Authentic Depth	Inauthentic Performance
Motivation	True self-expression	Desire for external validation
Origin	Innate personality and genuine emotion	Constructed persona, reaction to inner emptiness
Reaction of Others	Discomfort, suppression, or dismissal	May provoke annoyance, fatigue, or superficial engagement
Effect on Self	Internalized self-suppression, loss of authenticity	Disconnection from true self, persistent craving for attention

Why the Difference Matters

Understanding this difference is crucial for compassion toward ourselves and others. If you have been told you are “too much” and felt the need to shrink, it may be worth examining whether your fullness is simply challenging the comfort zones of others. On the other hand, if you find yourself performing intensity for effect, it may signal the need for deeper self-connection.

Being authentically expressive in a world that values conformity is an act of courage. Suppression comes from others’ discomfort with your genuine depth. Inauthentic performance, however, is a response to an internal void, seeking outside affirmation. Recognizing which is which creates space for true belonging where who you are, in your fullness, is not too much, but simply enough.

 “Suppression isn’t humility. It’s self-abandonment in a socially approved costume.”

Signs You’ve Been Suppressed, Not Excessive
- You censor yourself before you even speak
- You second-guess your reactions in real time
- You apologize for having needs or emotions
- You keep relationships surface-level because you’ve been shamed for your depth

This isn’t about ego or attention-seeking. It’s about the deep grief of being made to believe your full humanity was “too much.”

Why This Happens
Most of us learned early that expressing our true selves came with consequences. So we adapted. We became smaller, safer, quieter, more “manageable.” But over time, that suppression calcifies and it’s exhausting.

Eventually, something cracks. The truth leaks out in burnout, resentment, depression, or random moments of rage. It’s not dysfunction. It’s the soul pushing back.

Try This:
- Journal: Where in my life am I still shrinking? Why?
- Say something today without editing for tone or approval. See what happens.
- Let yourself cry, dance, scream, or laugh without permission or apology

Reclaiming your “too muchness” is part of the detox. It’s not about being loud for the sake of rebellion. It’s about honoring the fullness of your being and letting the world adjust.

You’re not too much. You’re just finally refusing to be less.

Coming next: **When You Don’t Know Who You Are Without the Mask**

Authenticity Detox #1 - The Mask is Heavy - Persona Fatigue

 

Let’s start with the obvious: you’re tired. Not just physically, soul tired. Like you’ve been performing some version of yourself for so long you don’t even remember who’s under the damn mask.

That’s persona fatigue. And if you’re here, you probably know exactly what it feels like.

You’ve built a version of yourself that can handle everything, keep the peace, be liked, be palatable, be productive, be the one everyone counts on. Maybe it’s the polished professional. The mystic with all the answers. The nice one. The edgy one. The strong one.

Most of us learned to wear masks to survive; people-pleasing, high-achieving, shrinking, smiling, blending.  But pretending to be okay when you’re not? That’s exhausting. And eventually, it costs you your peace.  Wearing a mask keeps you safe, but it also keeps you hidden.  Authenticity isn’t about being raw and exposed 24/7. It’s about being real with yourself first and letting that truth guide how you show up.  This work asks: - Where are you still performing? - What version of you gets praised but feels fake? - What would you say if you didn’t need approval?  Setting the mask down isn’t rebellion. It’s healing.  You’re not too much. You’re just too real for the role you’ve been cast in.

And now? That version is crumbling.

“Persona fatigue isn’t failure. It’s your true self finally demanding airtime.”

 Signs You’re in “Persona Fatigue”
- You feel disconnected from your own joy
- You're constantly second-guessing what to say, wear, post, or want
- You fantasize about running away and starting over with no one knowing you
- You feel resentful about the roles you once volunteered for

This is your soul whispering (or screaming), “I’m done pretending.”

Why We Build Personas
Let’s be clear: you didn’t build these masks for fun. They were survival gear. Armor. Safety nets in unsafe systems. We perform for love, for approval, for access, for survival. There’s no shame in that.

But there comes a point when the cost of performing is higher than the reward. That’s when the detox begins.

Often, the personas we adopt are shaped by expectations whether from social circles, professional environments, or even our own inner critic. These masks serve as armor, but over time, their weight can become suffocating, blurring the boundary between who we are and who we perform to be. In the pursuit of acceptance or success, we may lose touch with the quiet truths of our own hearts.

Returning to authenticity is not a selfish act, but an essential gesture of self-care. When we shed the masks and embrace our genuine selves, we create space for mental clarity and emotional resilience. Authentic living nurtures self-acceptance and invites authentic connection with others, a kind of freedom that cannot be found behind a persona’s façade. It is in the gentle rediscovery of authenticity that we reclaim our mental health, finding balance between vulnerability and strength, and allowing ourselves to breathe without the weight of pretense.

Try This:
- Journal on this prompt: “Who am I when no one’s watching?”
- Write a list of roles you play and ask yourself: Which of these still serve me?
- Sit in silence and ask your body: Where do I feel most fake?

This isn’t about abandoning everything or burning your life down. It’s about calling yourself back from the places you abandoned yourself to fit in.

You don’t owe the world a polished version of you. You owe yourself the truth.

Coming next: **You’re Not Too Much. You’re Probably Suppressed.**

Real Talk #13 - Healing Without Humor Is Just Suffering with a Plan

 

Here’s your permission slip to stop taking healing so damn seriously.

If you’re deep in the shadow work, trauma integration, inner child therapy rabbit hole and you haven’t laughed in a week it’s time to come up for air.

Healing without humor? That’s just glorified suffering.

The truth is, being able to laugh at your own patterns, mishaps, and spirals is *part* of healing. It means you’ve got perspective. It means you’re not drowning in it anymore.

You can cry in one breath and snort-laugh in the next. That’s balance. That’s resilience.

You’re not disrespecting your pain by laughing. You’re reminding yourself that you’re still here. Still human. Still capable of joy.

Healing is hard. Humor helps.

If you enjoyed this series or any posts on the Blackbird Diaries blog, feel free to share with others. And you can message me with questions or leave a comment here. And if you are interested in doing some deeper work, reach out. You can find me at raven@eldertreecoaching.com and we'll discuss sessions or a program that works for you. If you have a topic you'd like to see covered in the blog and/or podcast, drop a note to raven@blackbirddiaries.com. 

Wishing you all the best, and a raucous sense of humor for when things go pear-shaped. You got this.

Raven

Real Talk #12 - The Shadow Isn’t Evil—It’s Unacknowledged Power

 

Let’s end the drama around shadow work (one of my favorite topics).

Your shadow isn’t evil. It’s not a monster in the basement. It’s not your “dark side.” It’s your unacknowledged power, pain, and pattern. It’s the stuff you were taught to reject so you buried it.

And guess what? It’s still running the show.

Your shadow isn’t trying to hurt you. It’s trying to protect you with outdated strategies. Shame, control, people-pleasing, rage; all of it started as protection. The shadow is your inner survivor.

But what helped you survive might now be keeping you stuck.

Shadow work isn’t exorcism. It’s integration. It’s calling all your parts back from exile and saying, “You don’t have to scream to be heard anymore.”

That’s not evil. That’s healing.

Real Talk #11 - Manifestation Isn’t About Control—It’s About Alignment

 

Let’s have a real talk moment with manifestation.

It’s not a control mechanism. It’s not a shopping list you send to the Universe. It’s not spiritual Amazon Prime.

Manifestation is about alignment—who you are being, what you believe, and whether your choices match the reality you say you want.

You can’t manifest peace while feeding chaos. You can’t manifest love while abandoning yourself. You can’t manifest abundance from scarcity-driven decisions.

The Universe isn’t withholding. You’re misaligning.

Instead of asking “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” try asking “Where am I still operating from fear instead of trust?”

You don’t control outcomes—you align with truth. That’s the difference between force and flow.

Real Talk #10 - You Don’t Have to Be the Bigger Person—You Just Have to Be the Boundaried One

 

Ok, I'm going to mention Boundaries again. Because it warrants a revisit.

“Be the bigger person” is often code for “tolerate more than you should.”

Let’s retire that.

You don’t have to out-kind someone who disrespected you. You don’t have to prove your emotional maturity by staying silent. You don’t need to perform peace.

You just need boundaries.

Being the boundaried person means: I can care about myself enough to walk away. I can protect my peace without justifying it. I can speak the truth even if it makes you uncomfortable.

That’s power. That’s presence. That’s healing.

You’re not here to be a martyr. You’re here to be real.

Real Talk #9 - Healing Isn’t Linear, but It Still Requires Direction

 

Healing isn’t a straight line. We all know that.

But just because it’s not linear doesn’t mean it’s random.

If you’re bouncing between the same wounds without intention, that’s not healing. That’s looping.

Healing requires direction. Not control. Not perfection. Direction.

It asks: What are you working on right now? What’s the next layer? How will you know when to pause, pivot, or dig deeper?

It’s okay to spiral. But spiral upward. Spiral with purpose.

Healing can be messy. But it still needs movement.

Otherwise, you’re just busy with your pain—not growing from it.

Real Talk #8 - You’re Not Blocked—You’re Avoiding Something

 

Let’s stop calling everything a “block.”

You’re not blocked. You’re avoiding something. And that something is probably discomfort, truth, or change.

Blocks don’t just show up. They form when we keep dodging the thing we don’t want to look at. The hard conversation. The painful truth. The decision we don’t want to make.

The more you avoid, the heavier it gets. Not because you’re cursed or broken, but because avoidance creates stuckness.

You’re not broken. You’re scared. You’re unsure. And maybe you’re exhausted.

That’s not a block. That’s a cue to get real.

Want to move the “block”? Stop running. Turn around and face what you’ve been avoiding.

That’s the real unlock.

Real Talk #7 - Spiritual Tools Aren’t Fixes—They’re Mirrors

 

Stop trying to use tarot like it’s a vending machine for answers. Stop expecting your astrology chart to give you permission to exist. These tools? They’re not here to fix you. They’re here to show you who you already are.

Spiritual tools are mirrors. They reflect your patterns, your blind spots, your tendencies and sometimes your brilliance. But they don’t do the work for you.

Reading cards, pulling runes, consulting your guides… it’s not about outsourcing. It’s about insight. If you’re using your tools to avoid making decisions, that’s not sacred. That’s stuck.

You can’t journal your way out of accountability. You can’t sage your way out of self-awareness.

The power isn’t in the tool. It’s in how you use it and whether you’re willing to listen when it reflects something uncomfortable.

Use your tools. Just don’t worship them. Let them show you what needs attention. Then go do the damn work.

Real Talk #6 - Boundaries Aren’t Mean—They’re Sacred

 

Let’s retire the idea that setting boundaries makes you mean, cold, or unspiritual.

Boundaries aren’t barriers. They’re clarity. They don’t push people away. They show people how to be close to you with respect. And if someone can’t handle that? That’s not your fault—that’s their discomfort with not having full access to you.

Here’s the thing: if you’ve been raised to people-please, trained to fix everything, or praised for being “easygoing,” boundaries will feel like rebellion. They’ll feel wrong. But they’re not.

They’re a return to self.

When you set a boundary, you’re saying: I know what I need to feel safe, sane, and sovereign—and I’m not going to abandon myself to keep the peace.

That is sacred. That is spiritual. That is love.

Love with boundaries is sustainable. Love without them is self-erasure.

Boundaries don’t just protect you from harm. They protect your capacity to stay present, compassionate, and real. They’re not walls. They’re filters.

And if someone falls apart when you say no, maybe they were benefiting too much from your lack of one.

You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your energy. Not friends. Not family. Not partners. Not clients.

You are not mean for protecting your peace. You are wise.

Boundaries are the most honest form of love you can give—to others, and to yourself.

Real Talk #5 - Your Guides Aren’t Your Therapists (and They Shouldn’t Be Your Crutch)

 

Let’s be clear—your spirit guides are not your therapists, life coaches, or decision-making outsourcing service.

Yes, you can connect with them. Yes, they can offer clarity, confirmation, even cosmic nudges. But when you’re asking your guides to micromanage your life? That’s not intuition. That’s dependency.

Spiritual connection should empower you, not babysit you.

There’s a big difference between working with guidance and offloading your growth. If you’re asking your guides to tell you what job to take, who to date, whether to end the friendship, and what to order for dinner, you’ve stopped trusting yourself.

And guess what? They’ll stop answering. Or they’ll give you nothing until you grow up a little.

Spiritual tools are here to help you deepen your sovereignty, not surrender it. When you treat your guides like your emotional rescue team, you lose the point of having a spiritual path in the first place.

You’re not meant to be passive in your own life. You’re meant to participate. Feel. Decide. Risk. Learn.

Your guides are allies, not managers. They’re not here to run your life for you. They’re here to walk beside you while you live it.

If your first instinct is to “ask your guides” instead of sit with your own wisdom, it’s time to pause.

The question isn’t what they think. It’s what you know, deep down, and whether you’re ready to trust it.

Spiritual maturity starts when you stop outsourcing your choices and start standing behind them.

Real Talk #4 - If You Need to Be the Healer to Feel Valuable, That’s a Wound—Not a Calling

 

Here’s a gut check.

If your sense of worth depends on whether you’re fixing, guiding, or emotionally rescuing someone, you’re not just helping. You’re hooked. That’s not healing—that’s self-validation through codependency.

There’s a difference between answering a call to serve and using healing as a way to matter. One is grounded. The other is compulsive.

This is especially tricky in spiritual and coaching spaces. We get praised for helping. We’re told we’re “natural healers,” “old souls,” “lightworkers.” But if we aren’t careful, that praise becomes a trap. We start defining ourselves by how much we’re needed.

The wound? That belief that unless you’re useful, you’re worthless.

That’s not a spiritual calling. That’s a survival strategy.

Here’s the real work:
- Can you feel valuable when no one is leaning on you?
- Can you sit with someone’s pain without rushing to fix it?
- Can you let people struggle without making it about your failure?

Being a healer is not about saving people. It’s about creating space for them to choose their own healing. And sometimes, that means stepping back, not forward.

You are not your usefulness. You are not your clients’ progress. You are not your partner’s emotional crutch. You are allowed to just be.

If your identity is tangled up in always being the strong one, the wise one, the helper, it might be time to ask: Who am I without the role?

Because that’s where your real healing begins.

Real Talk #3 - Being Empathic Doesn’t Excuse Being Irresponsible

 

Let’s talk about something that might sting a little.

Being sensitive is not the same as being entitled to opt out of responsibility. Being overwhelmed by emotion doesn't make it okay to flake, ghost, overstep, or dump your unprocessed stuff onto other people. “Empathic” is not a hall pass for poor boundaries or poor behavior.

A lot of people in spiritual spaces use empathy as a shield. “I just feel everything so deeply” becomes a reason to avoid accountability. But feeling deeply doesn’t exempt you from owning your actions. In fact, it should make you more aware of your impact.

Empathy is a strength. But like any strength, it requires training. If you’re constantly absorbing other people’s energy to the point where you’re unreliable, reactive, or manipulative, it’s time to check in. That’s not empathy. That’s leakage.

Here’s what being a responsible empath looks like:
- You ground yourself before you engage
- You don’t make your overwhelm other people’s problem
- You communicate when you’re at capacity
- You take ownership when you mess up

You don’t get to say “that’s just how I am.” You get to say “this is where I’m working on it.”

If you’re empathic, your job is to lead with compassion—starting with yourself. That means learning how to filter what you take in and how you respond. It means doing the work to strengthen your nervous system and your emotional maturity.

You can feel everything and still take responsibility for how you show up.

That’s the real work. That’s being empathic *and* accountable.

Real Talk #2 - The Universe Isn’t Testing You—You’re Just Not Changing Your Pattern

 

Let’s clear something up right now.

The Universe is not some cosmic school principal handing out pop quizzes to see if you’re “ready” to ascend. Most of the time, what we call a “test” is just a pattern we haven’t interrupted. Not divine punishment. Not karma in real time. Just repetition.

If you keep attracting the same kind of relationship, job, or chaos, it’s not because the Universe is trying to teach you a lesson. It’s because you haven’t made a different choice yet. That’s not judgment—it’s liberation. It means you have agency.

Spiritual folks love to talk about “lessons” and “signs,” but too often, that becomes an excuse to avoid responsibility. The pattern shows up, you feel stuck, and instead of changing behavior, you look up and say, “Why is this happening *again*?”

Because you haven’t interrupted the loop.

Patterns persist when they’re comfortable, familiar, or serving a hidden function. Sometimes the pattern is keeping you safe. Sometimes it’s letting you off the hook. Sometimes it’s just what you’re used to. But calling it a “test” gives your power away.

Shadow work asks: What am I doing to keep this cycle alive?

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about waking up. It’s about owning your role in what you recreate, so you can choose something else. And yeah, it’s hard. Changing patterns means discomfort, risk, and probably screwing it up the first few times.

But it’s worth it.

You’re not being tested. You’re being invited. Again and again. The question is: are you ready to answer differently this time?

Patterns don’t change by hoping. They change by choice. Even when it’s messy. Especially then.

Real Talk #1 - Spiritual Bypassing Isn’t Healing

 

First, let me preface this by saying that this series, "Real Talk" is a collection of 13 brief thoughts to ponder. Consider them the small bits of insight that you may receive from that one relative or friend that's seen some shit. Each blog post is short and to the point. More than a meme; less than a Self-Help ebook. I will, however, be expanding on these topics in the podcast very soon.

That said, let's start here:

Avoidance dressed up as enlightenment is still avoidance. It doesn’t matter how many affirmations you tape to your mirror or how many white candles you burn—if you’re using “positive vibes only” to bulldoze over your grief, your fear, your rage, or your trauma, you’re not healing. You’re spiritually bypassing. And that mess piles up, fast.

Healing isn’t tidy. It’s not comfortable. It doesn’t always feel like a breakthrough. Sometimes it’s ugly crying on the kitchen floor. Sometimes it’s realizing that love and boundaries can—and must—coexist. Sometimes it’s admitting you’ve been performing growth while avoiding real change.

Spiritual bypassing happens when people skip the actual emotional work and call it healing. They forgive people who haven’t apologized, they repeat “everything happens for a reason” instead of facing their own choices, and they avoid conflict because it makes them feel spiritually ‘low vibrational.’

But here’s the truth: conflict isn’t toxic. Avoiding your truth is.

Shadow work means owning your entire self—not just the parts that make people clap. Real healing invites discomfort. It asks you to sit with the stuff that makes your skin crawl. It dares you to stop performing and start transforming.

So next time you catch yourself reaching for a quick spiritual ‘fix,’ ask yourself:
- Am I avoiding something?
- Who am I trying to protect—myself, or the illusion of being okay?
- What would happen if I stopped pretending?

You don’t have to heal beautifully. You just have to heal honestly.

That’s the real work. And it’s worth it.

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 7: It's Still In There

 

Even if you have ignored your intuition for years, it has not disappeared. It may be quiet, but it is still there, waiting for you to listen.

Trauma, conditioning, and the habit of prioritizing others' voices can bury your inner knowing under layers of doubt. But intuition is resilient. The moment you start making space for it, it begins to re-emerge.

Starting Small

The process often begins with subtle signals. A gentle sense of unease in a certain situation. A small pull toward a particular choice. Acting on these small nudges builds trust. Your intuition learns that when it speaks, you listen.

Patience and Practice

Rebuilding trust with yourself takes time. You may miss signals or misinterpret them at first. That is part of the process. Each time you try, you strengthen the connection. Give yourself permission to get it wrong while you relearn how to listen.

A Gentle Reminder

Your intuition is not here to control you. It is here to guide you. It will not punish you for past neglect. It will simply keep offering guidance, waiting for you to tune in.

I once spoke to someone who felt she had "lost" her intuition after years in an environment where her voice was constantly dismissed. When she began honoring small preferences — what she wanted to eat, how she wanted to spend her weekends — she noticed her deeper guidance starting to return.

Practical Ways to Reconnect

1. Daily Check-Ins – Ask yourself each morning, "What do I need today?"
2. Follow Small Desires – Say yes to the little things that bring you joy, even if they seem insignificant.
3. Remove Noise – Limit time in spaces that drown out your own voice.

Why It Matters

Listening to your intuition changes your relationship with yourself. It deepens self-respect, strengthens confidence, and creates a sense of partnership between your mind and your inner voice. No matter how far you have drifted, it is always possible to come back.

**Journal Prompts:**
- When have I recently felt a quiet nudge from within?
- How can I create more space in my life to hear myself?
- What would it look like to trust my inner voice again?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 6: Not For Sale

 

In a world where everything is branded, packaged, and sold, it is easy to forget that your intuition is not a commodity. It does not need to be certified or validated by anyone to be real.

Yes, you can take courses to sharpen your awareness. Yes, mentorship can be helpful. But no program or teacher can sell you the inner knowing you already have. Your intuition is yours. It is not a product.

The Risk of Outsourcing Your Knowing

When you forget that your intuition is yours, you may start to rely on others to confirm every decision you make. This can be dangerous if those voices have something to gain from your dependence. A trustworthy guide will always send you back to yourself.

I have seen people hand over their decision-making power to coaches, spiritual teachers, or communities, believing they could not trust themselves without external confirmation. The longer this pattern continues, the more disconnected they become from their own instincts.

Protecting Your Compass

Your intuition is the ultimate authority on your life. This does not mean you should never seek outside perspectives. It means you weigh all advice against your own truth. The danger is in believing that someone else can know your inner reality better than you can.

A Story to Remember

I once worked with a client who would not make a major life move without running it past her coach. When the coach encouraged a path that felt wrong to her, she followed it anyway and regretted it deeply. Her turning point came when she realized she had paid to ignore herself.

After that, she committed to a rule: she could seek feedback, but her final answer had to come from within. The result was a complete shift in how she approached decisions — with more clarity, more confidence, and far fewer regrets.

Practical Steps to Keep Your Intuition Sovereign

1. **Limit External Input** – When facing a big decision, resist the urge to poll every friend or mentor before you have checked in with yourself.
2. **Create Reflection Space** – Spend time in silence or nature to hear your own thoughts clearly.
3. **Test Small Decisions** – Build trust with your intuition by applying it to daily choices before major ones.

Why It Matters

Your intuition is part of your birthright. It is personal, free, and priceless. No one can give it to you. No one can take it away.

**Journal Prompts:**
- Where have I been tempted to outsource my knowing?
- Who in my life encourages my autonomy?
- How can I remind myself that my intuition is already mine?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 5: Listening When It’s Inconvenient

 

Your intuition rarely waits for the "perfect" moment to speak. In fact, it often shows up at the most inconvenient times — right before a big event, in the middle of a project, or when you have already made plans that seem too far along to change.

Sometimes, the timing feels so disruptive that it is tempting to ignore it. Maybe you get a sudden pull to decline a big opportunity that looks flawless on paper. Maybe you feel a deep urge to rest in the middle of a busy season when you cannot imagine slowing down. Or perhaps you sense it is time to leave a relationship or role you have invested years into.

The discomfort comes from the fact that intuition is loyal to truth, not convenience. And truth does not always line up with your calendar, commitments, or other people's expectations.

Why Inconvenient Guidance Feels So Hard to Follow

When your intuition speaks at a "bad time," it can create tension between your inner voice and the world around you. Friends and colleagues might question your decision. Logic might argue that you are overreacting. Your own mind may spiral into fear about what you will lose if you act.

This is the moment where self-trust is tested. It is easy to honor your intuition when it tells you what you want to hear. It is much harder when it pushes you toward something uncomfortable, uncertain, or misunderstood.

The Cost of Ignoring It

Ignoring inconvenient guidance often brings a temporary sense of relief — you get to stay on the safe path, avoid hard conversations, and keep your plans intact. But over time, the cost shows up as burnout, resentment, missed opportunities, or a deep sense of being "off track."

Your intuition is not trying to ruin your plans; it is trying to protect your alignment. If you silence it too often, you start training yourself to tune it out.

How to Listen Without Acting Impulsively

Honoring inconvenient intuition does not mean you have to blow up your life overnight. Here are a few ways to create space for it:

1. **Pause and Acknowledge** – The first step is simply admitting to yourself that you feel what you feel, without rushing to explain it away.
2. **Journal the Details** – Write down exactly what you sense and when it came up. Noticing patterns can help you separate passing moods from deeper knowing.
3. **Test the Message** – See how the guidance holds up over a few days or weeks. True intuition often becomes clearer over time, while fear tends to fade or shift.
4. **Plan Your Response** – Even if you cannot act right now, outline the steps you would take if you were to honor the guidance. This keeps the door open for aligned action later.

A Real-Life Example

Several years ago, I was offered a collaboration that seemed perfect — great exposure, mutual benefit, and excellent timing in my business calendar. Yet the moment I read the contract, a quiet but steady "no" rose up. It made no sense logically, and I worried about looking foolish if I turned it down.

I chose to listen. Weeks later, I learned that the project had collapsed due to major internal conflict. My inconvenient "no" had saved me from months of wasted energy.

The Ripple Effect of Saying Yes to Yourself

Every time you listen to your intuition, even when it complicates your life, you reinforce your self-trust. You teach yourself that your inner voice matters — and that you will back it up with action. Over time, this creates a deep confidence that makes future decisions easier, no matter how inconvenient the timing.

**Journal Prompts:**
- When has my intuition told me something I did not want to hear?
- What was the cost of ignoring it?
- How can I create space in my life to act on inconvenient guidance without fear of chaos?