The Power of Self-Talk: Harnessing Your Inner Dialogue for Positive Change

 

In the realm of personal development, one of the most influential yet overlooked aspects is our self-talk—the constant chatter that goes on in our minds. Self-talk is the inner dialogue we engage in throughout the day, influencing our thoughts, emotions, and actions. It can be either empowering or destructive, shaping our perception of ourselves and the world around us. In this blog post, we will explore the concept of self-talk, its impact on our lives, and how to harness its power to foster positive change.

Understanding Self-Talk

Self-talk is a fundamental part of being human. From the moment we wake up until we go to bed, we have an ongoing conversation with ourselves. This internal dialogue is shaped by various factors, including past experiences, belief systems, and the environment we are in. The two main types of self-talk are positive and negative.

Positive self-talk involves encouraging, supportive, and optimistic thoughts. It boosts self-confidence, resilience, and fosters a growth mindset. On the other hand, negative self-talk is critical, self-deprecating, and often rooted in fear and self-doubt. It can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and a sense of powerlessness.

The Impact of Self-Talk

The influence of self-talk on our mental and emotional well-being cannot be overstated. Positive self-talk acts as a powerful ally, helping us navigate life's challenges with a greater sense of control and determination. It strengthens our ability to cope with setbacks and view them as opportunities for growth. In contrast, negative self-talk can become a relentless inner saboteur, hindering our progress and perpetuating a cycle of negativity.

Moreover, self-talk also shapes how we interact with others. Positive self-talk enhances our empathy, compassion, and ability to build meaningful relationships. Conversely, negative self-talk may make us more susceptible to projecting our insecurities onto others, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Harnessing the Power of Positive Self-Talk

Changing our self-talk from negative to positive requires conscious effort and patience. Here are some effective strategies to harness the power of positive self-talk:

1. Self-awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts and identify patterns of negative self-talk. Acknowledging these patterns is the first step towards change.

2. Reframing: Challenge negative thoughts and reframe them into more positive and constructive statements. For example, replace "I can't do it; I always fail" with "I am capable, and I learn from every experience." Avoid generalizations and when you recognize statements that are absolute, stop and take a moment to recall all of the times that statement was not true. Poke holes in it.

3. Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to reinforce self-belief and boost confidence. Create personalized affirmations that resonate with your goals and values.

4. Visualization: Picture yourself succeeding and achieving your aspirations. Visualization can enhance motivation and make your goals feel more attainable. Memories are powerful, positive just as much as negative. Take a moment to recall successes, no matter how big or small. Take yourself to that moment and remember the feeling. Let it fill you. Then apply that same feeling when you visualize new successes and how it will feel when you get there. Use words like “When I…”, “I will…”, “I am..” instead of “If..” or “I might..”.

5. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend facing difficulties. Embrace imperfections as part of the human experience. Take a moment to think about what you would tell a friend or relative going through the same thing.

6. Surround yourself with positivity: Limit exposure to negative influences, whether they are people, media, or environments. Seek out supportive and uplifting communities. A word of caution here: Do not surround yourself with “yes men”. As I covered in the importance of a healthy community, it is very important to have a support system that includes those friends who will call you on your bs, and remind you to get out of your own way.

7. Confirmation: This, in my opinion, is the most important strategy. Very often when self-talk turns negative, it is due to overthinking and conjuring worst case scenarios. To break this cycle, recount positive events linked to the situation that has you spiraling. These are real events, not the imagined ones. Not to be confused with rationalization, which is using positive real events to justify real negative, harmful events.

Our self-talk is a potent force that shapes our perception of ourselves and the world. By cultivating positive self-talk and becoming our own first line of support, we can unlock our potential and navigate life's challenges with resilience and determination. Remember, it's not about eliminating negative thoughts entirely, but rather, developing the skill to replace them with empowering and compassionate ones. As we harness the power of self-talk, we embark on a transformative journey towards greater self-awareness, self-acceptance, and personal growth.

From the Archives: A Little Spooky Fun

 

A slight departure from my usual ramblings, I decided to also offer something for the more spooky, whimsical and romantic souls. In 2011 I started a blog called “Etiquette and the Victorian Gothic Aesthetic”.  It was a very busy endeavor for a couple years before the usual happened: Life shifted. I managed to come back to it a few times up until 2015 and may well begin to add to it again (time permitting) as I still occasionally hear from the wonderfully dark and creative souls who used to follow it.

I offer this peek into the archives as insight into how the Darkness has its beauty and its inhabitants are some of the most amazingly loving people I have ever met.  Many, if not most, have overcome incredible situations while others are simply shadowy in the best possible way. 

Much of the blog showcases artists I’d come across, some I know, many still plying their wares while others may have closed shop and moved on.  All of them offered, and do offer, brilliant depictions of those things that go bump in the night, and the aesthetically mesmerizing backdrops that haunt some of our best dreams.  There is a romance to the Shadow, and this is a culture that celebrates it with panache.

The best part of my time creating the EVGA blog was the many times I was blessed with being called “GothMother”. You may find in some of my entries the result of conversations leading to that role. Many parents approached me to understand their Gothling offspring, and those spooky spawn became my nieces and nephews. You will find that I am adamantly against generalizations and stereotypes, and to this day will showcase the broad spectrum of “types” and styles in an amazing subculture.  And like any culture or subculture, it has its good and bad actors, but by understanding we tip the scales for the better.

I completely understand that this is not everyone’s cup of tea (or glass of absinthe), but if it is yours, I invite you to wander through, let me know what you enjoy and by all means, feel free to ask questions.

Just scroll down the main page of my site to “From the Archives: Etiquette and the Victorian Gothic Aesthetic” and click “Enter”, or simply go here: Etiquette and the Victorian Gothic Aesthetic: And so it begins... (ravensexton-evga.blogspot.com)  I have queued it up to take you to the very first entry; sort of a Welcome mat to get you started.

I hope you enjoy

R

 

 

Gallows Humor: A Surprising Path to Healing

 

Humor has long been hailed for its therapeutic effects, lifting our spirits and offering relief during challenging times. While laughter is often associated with joy and happiness, there exists a unique form of humor that emerges from the depths of darkness; gallows humor. This dark, edgy, and seemingly inappropriate humor has an intriguing way of helping individuals cope with pain, trauma, and difficult situations. In this post, I’ll explore the concept of gallows humor and how it can be a surprising path to healing and acts as a method of reclaiming personal power.

Gallows humor refers to a type of comedy that arises from tragic or distressing situations, where the subject matter is typically taboo, sensitive, or morbid. It often addresses topics such as death, illness, loss, or other difficult life circumstances. The name originates from the term "gallows," the device historically used for public executions, symbolizing the association with dark and grim themes.

In the face of adversity, gallows humor serves as a coping mechanism that allows individuals to find release and catharsis through laughter. When confronted with life's darkest moments, humor can act as a pressure valve, providing an emotional outlet and easing the burden of distress. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, which are natural mood-lifters, thereby offering temporary relief and a sense of empowerment even in the face of despair.

Sharing gallows humor with others can create a bond of shared vulnerability. In situations where people might otherwise feel isolated in their pain or sorrow, dark humor opens the door to a shared experience. When someone bravely steps forward with a joke about their own struggles, it invites others to do the same, fostering a sense of camaraderie and emotional connection.

Gallows humor has a unique way of disarming fear and anxiety surrounding difficult topics. By addressing grim situations with humor, it reduces the power these fears hold over our minds. It allows individuals to confront their fears head-on in a way that feels approachable and less intimidating.

Humor can offer a shift in perspective. When facing seemingly insurmountable challenges, finding humor within the darkness can be an empowering act. It enables individuals to see their situations from a different angle, allowing them to view their struggles as part of a broader human experience rather than isolated tragedies.

While gallows humor can be a powerful tool for healing, it's essential to navigate this territory with sensitivity. Not everyone may appreciate or understand this type of humor, and it could inadvertently offend or hurt others. Recognize that the appropriateness of gallows humor varies depending on the context and the audience. It's crucial to respect the feelings and boundaries of others while utilizing this form of humor as a healing mechanism.

In times of darkness and pain, gallows humor emerges as an unexpected and potent path to healing. By finding laughter amidst life's gravest challenges, individuals can experience catharsis, vulnerability, and a profound shift in perspective. It allows us to confront our fears, embrace our shared humanity, and ultimately find strength in the face of adversity. However, we must tread this territory with care and consideration for others' feelings, and most importantly, by remaining mindful of the messages we send our own subconscious.

Taken too far, it can foster indifference and the construction of emotional walls that prevent us from seeing the positive and being open to good experiences. It can be an ego boost to be known as the “strong one” who can handle anything, but even the strongest soul needs a break, a safe place and the support of others who allow them to let their guard down and be the softer individual that the strong side protects.

So, let us explore the healing power of gallows humor with empathy and compassion, recognizing that laughter can indeed be a powerful medicine for the soul.

The Power of Self-Talk: Harnessing the Magic Within

 

Today, I want to begin discussion about a topic that holds incredible potential for personal transformation and empowerment—self-talk. In this post, I will explore the wonders of self-talk, its impact on our thoughts, emotions, and actions, and cover the tremendous influence it wields over our lives. Believe me when I say there is magic in self-talk, paving the way toward a more positive and fulfilling existence. This may be one of many posts on the topic as it applies to so many aspects of life and steps on our spiritual journeys.

Self-talk refers to the ongoing inner dialogue we have with ourselves—the thoughts, beliefs, and messages we consciously or unconsciously communicate to our minds. It shapes our perception of ourselves, our abilities, and the world around us. Our self-talk can be empowering and uplifting, or it can be self-limiting and critical. In essence, self-talk is the language through which we communicate our deepest hopes, fears, and dreams to ourselves.

Our words hold incredible power. They have the capacity to shape our reality, influence our emotions, and direct our actions. When we become conscious of our self-talk, we gain the ability to consciously choose words that empower us and propel us toward our goals. Positive self-talk becomes an invaluable tool for self-belief, resilience, and personal growth.

Self-talk plays a significant role in shaping our beliefs about ourselves and what we believe is possible. Often, we unknowingly hold limiting beliefs that hinder our progress and keep us playing small. It’s not uncommon that we begin to internalize limiting statements by others, especially those who are important to us.  By bringing awareness to our self-talk, we can identify these limiting beliefs and replace them with empowering messages that align with our true potential.

Self-talk is not solely about positive affirmations and motivational phrases. It is also about cultivating self-compassion and kindness. We all experience moments of doubt, disappointment, and setbacks. By using self-talk as a tool for reassurance and compassion, we can counteract negative emotions, embrace our imperfections, and offer ourselves the support and love we deserve.

 

Techniques for Empowered Self-Talk

1. Awareness: Take a moment to observe your thoughts and identify patterns of negative or self-limiting self-talk. By becoming aware of these patterns, you can consciously choose to replace them with more supportive and uplifting messages.

2. Affirmations: Harness the power of positive affirmations by intentionally choosing words and phrases that align with your goals, values, and dreams. Repeat them regularly, anchoring them deeply in your subconscious mind.

3. Rewriting the Narrative: Challenge negative or self-limiting thoughts by consciously choosing more empowering interpretations of events or situations. Reframe setbacks as learning opportunities and recognize your resilience and capabilities.

4. Gratitude and Self-Appreciation: Acknowledge your accomplishments, strengths, and unique qualities regularly. Express gratitude for the progress you have made, no matter how small, and celebrate your journey.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity: Surround yourself with positive influences, whether it be supportive friends who will remind you of all you are while calling you on your crap and holding you accountable for your own healing, inspiring books, uplifting podcasts, affirming environments and opportunities to reach beyond your comfort zone and realize what you are capable of. This external positivity can reinforce your positive self-talk.

Embracing the Journey Within

The practice of empowered self-talk is a lifelong journey. It requires patience, self-awareness, and commitment. As we embark on this path of self-discovery and personal growth, let us remember to be gentle with ourselves, celebrating each step forward with compassion and resilience. By harnessing the magic of self-talk, we unlock the potential to transform our lives from within and create a reality that aligns with our truest selves.

As we conclude this exploration of self-talk, may you carry with you the awareness of the power you hold within the words you choose. Embrace the magic of self-talk to uplift, motivate, and empower yourself. Choose words that nurture your soul, keep you honest and lift your spirit. Ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend?” then be a friend to yourself.

Sometimes You Just Have to Say F*k It

 

Timing is everything, and seldom do we have a say in the most profound coincidences. Perhaps because there is no such thing as coincidence. Every event in life is a deeply orchestrated conspiracy of miniscule, spur-of-the-moment decisions and intricately timed occurrences leading to exactly one outcome out of millions of possibilities. Usually these possibilities were, up until moments ago, completely impossible.

But we are human and constantly in search of control, feeding the need to believe that we can orchestrate our futures through detailed contemplation and cautious planning, when in reality, it’s the “Fuck it” moments that lead us to the truth of our own existences. We map out our next steps, figure we have everything lined up to meet that next goal, or experience, when in reality, sometimes we need to burn the map and trust our instincts.

Case in point, from my own experience, the unplanned events and knee jerk reactions have not only had the greatest impact in my life but have been the most authentic because I didn’t have time to get in my own way. A phone call from a friend, giving my nineteen-year-old self five minutes to go from just showered to dressed and ready to go out with friends would cause ripples that would quietly move through the next thirty-five years, disturbing the surface of the water only occasionally before going silent again, and everyone knows that still waters run deep. And decades later, a simple “fuck it” decision to allow my former neighbor to share my contact information, made with the best of intentions, would unleash hell freeing my most deeply buried demons, allowing them to stomp all over my hard-earned peace.

Now, nearly six months later I have ridden Satan’s own roller coaster of emotions, self-esteem issues and, if I’m honest, self-awareness lessons. By the end of the last circuit around the track, I feel I could have faced down the Old Man with a glass of whiskey in one hand, a stack of photographs in the other and a sarcastic smirk that simply says, “Try again”.

Survival became my hallmark and the ability to stand alone, decisive and unyielding, was my comfort zone. I never gave it much thought as to how I became so good at it. The public at large commented regularly on how “commendable” it was and the allure of the mystique that comes with formidability. This was who I had become; everyone’s big sister, protector, problem solver and example of strength and cunning. Admittedly, there is a comfort in being that person, held at a distance, and out of reach to drama and vulnerability. Of course, there were moments when small pangs of regret surfaced at the realization that the price of this “security” was being alone. Permanently.  Yet there is comfort to be found in no longer needing to worry about being vulnerable and, yet again, being laid bare emotionally. It frees one up to be a better friend. Compassion is not lost, but rather is refocused on friends and family. There is a certain inner peace that comes with that detachment from any other entanglement.

And back to the “Fuck it” moments, when the impossible comes flying at your face so fast that you don’t have time to process it and in a flippant moment of imagined impenetrability, open the door and say “Sure! Let’s talk.” In a single moment, a voice, and a laugh, three decades of self-delusion descend on you like an avalanche and you stand there, taking tons of memories, questions, fears and decisions like a champ as they pummel you with the Truth. Then in an ironic twist, gently tend your wounds and contrary to the story you’d told yourself for all those years, remind you that you are not alone, but you also have very little control over what is meant to be, and at your core, were always more Chaos and Fight than Plan. Trust becomes part of the conversation and no matter how hard the old demon Control tries to step in, the soul knows better.  The realization that timing was everything, and what was wanted, wasn’t right at one time, but at this point.. well, the signs are there, slowly revealing themselves as hints to the future which is, undeniably, Now.  SO…Fuck it. Let’s have some fun.

Navigating Stormy Waters: Strategies for Managing Anxiety

 

In this blog post, I would like to offer practical strategies to navigate the stormy waters of anxiety, empowering ourselves to find balance, peace, and resilience in the face of life's challenges. Managing anxiety is an ongoing process, but with mindful practice, it can be a transformative journey and assist you in embracing a life of calm and serenity. Or even a more controlled chaos on your terms.

Taking a moment to understand Anxiety is pivotal as it is a natural response to stress and can vary in intensity and duration. It manifests in various ways, like excessive worry, racing thoughts, physical symptoms, or a sense of impending doom. Importantly, anxiety can be managed, empowering us to regain control and find peace and perspective.

Begin by cultivating Self-Care Practices. It all begins with reversing the self-deprecation that often comes with or is characterized by Anxiety. If you read my post about the Bastard Anxiety, you’ll probably recognize the patterns of self-criticism and self-sabotage.

1. Mindfulness and Meditation: Incorporating mindfulness and meditation into our daily routine helps us cultivate awareness of our thoughts and emotions. These practices allow us to observe and detach from anxious thoughts, fostering a sense of calm and presence.

2. Physical Exercise: Engaging in regular physical exercise boosts the production of endorphins and reduces stress hormones, promoting a sense of well-being. Whether it's yoga, running, dancing, or any other form of movement, finding a physical activity you enjoy can significantly alleviate anxiety.

3. Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques: Deep breathing exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing, can activate the body's relaxation response, lowering heart rate and reducing anxiety. Incorporating relaxation techniques like progressive muscle relaxation or guided imagery further enhances the body-mind connection.

4. Engage the five physical senses. This one is my favorite. Usually referred to as the 5-4-3-2-1 Method, it involves taking a moment to check out your surroundings and focus on:

a.       5 things you see

b.       4 things you feel

c.       3 things you hear

d.       2 things you smell

e.       1 thing you taste

The point of the exercise is to bring you back to the present, to help you ground and remind you what is real, instead of the made up scenarios spiraling in your mind. To add an extra charge to the steps, focus on things you see, feel, hear, smell and taste that bring you joy or comfort. Or both.

Harnessing the Power of Thoughts

1. Cognitive Restructuring: Recognize and challenge negative or irrational thoughts that contribute to anxiety. Replace them with positive, realistic, and affirming statements. Remind yourself of your strengths, resilience, and previous successes.

2. Journaling: Writing down your anxious thoughts can help clear your mind and gain perspective. Use journaling as a tool for self-reflection, gratitude, and exploring solutions to specific challenges. This practice allows for increased self-awareness and acts as a release for overwhelming emotions.

Building a Support Network

1. Seek Professional Help: If anxiety becomes persistent and significantly impacts your daily life, consider seeking support from mental health professionals. Therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) can provide invaluable guidance and techniques for managing anxiety.

2. Reach Out to Loved Ones: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members who can provide understanding, empathy, and support. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network helps relieve feelings of isolation and offers opportunities for connection.

Nurturing Self-Compassion

1. Accept Imperfections: Embrace the fact that being human inherently entails making mistakes and facing challenges. Release the need for perfection and embrace self-compassion, understanding that setbacks are part of the growth process.

2. Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that replenish your energy, bring joy, and nourish your soul. Practice self-care rituals, whether it's taking a warm bath, reading a book, enjoying a hobby, or spending quality time in nature.

3. Practice Positive Self-Talk: Pay attention to the things you say to and about yourself. It’s very easy to make jokes at our own expense, or be self-deprecating in an effort to be humble, but take note of the times you say “I can’t”. Listen consciously to the sentences that make you smaller than you are, or comparisons that make others bigger, or better. Don’t compare. Your subconscious is listening and while you may think on the surface that you’re just being funny, you internalize these thoughts and make them very real limiters. And since you created those limits, realize that you have the power to remove them.

I will continue to share posts about anxiety, perhaps some of my own experiences, and I ask that you remember that managing anxiety is an ongoing process. By implementing these strategies into our daily lives and seeking support when needed, we can cultivate inner resilience, find peace in the present moment, and navigate life's challenges with strength and grace. May your journey toward managing anxiety be one of self-discovery, self-compassion, and a deepening connection with your inner strength.

Embracing Shadows: Unleashing Your Inner Strength Through Shadow Work

 

 

"What you resist not only persists but will grow in size." Carl Jung

 

Today, I want to dive deep into a subject that has been a pivotal part of my life for decades – shadow work. It's an extraordinary journey of self-exploration that invites us to face our hidden aspects, dark corners, and embrace them with compassion and understanding. So, join me on this empowering path as we unravel the wonders of shadow work.

 

The Hidden Power Within

 

We all have that side of ourselves we'd rather keep hidden from the world – the fears, insecurities, and unresolved wounds that we bury deep within. Yet, the truth is that beneath those shadows lies immense potential, untapped wisdom, and incredible strength. Shadow work offers us the opportunity to discover and integrate these hidden gems into our lives, allowing us to cultivate a sense of wholeness and authenticity.

 

Embracing the Darkness

 

Embarking on the profound journey of shadow work means stepping into the shadows of our own psyche. It's a courageous act that requires us to confront our deepest fears, shed light on our suppressed emotions, and face the aspects of ourselves we might have considered flawed or unworthy. They become the "monster within" that we attempt to deny or control, wasting precious energy and focus. By embracing and understanding these aspects, they no longer hold sway over us and we are able to integrate the wisdom from the experiences that created them.  It's not an easy task, but within these shadows lies the key to unlock our truest selves.

 

The Call to Self-Exploration

 

Shadow work calls us to embark on a journey of sincere self-exploration. It's about peeling back the layers, shedding pretenses, and getting to the core of who we are. This process involves being honest with ourselves, examining our beliefs, patterns, and narratives, and confronting the wounds that continue to shape our lives from the shadows.

 

Harnessing Profound Transformation

 

While shadow work entails confronting the darker aspects of ourselves, it is far from a journey of self-destruction or dwelling in negativity. In fact, it offers us a gateway to profound transformation and personal growth. By embracing our shadows and integrating them consciously, we unravel the wisdom therein, unleash our creative potential, and tap into our inner power.

 

The Art of Integration

 

The goal of shadow work is not to rid ourselves of our shadows but rather to integrate them into our conscious being. Through self-compassion, acceptance, and non-judgment, we bridge the gap between our light and dark sides, thereby nurturing a deep sense of wholeness. It is in this integration that we truly discover our authentic selves and live our lives aligned with our truest values.

 

The Gifts of Shadow Work

 

1. Enhanced Self-Awareness: Shadow work enables us to shine a light on the hidden corners of our being, deepening our self-awareness and understanding of ourselves. This newfound clarity empowers us to make conscious choices that align with our desires and values.

 

2. Emotional Liberation: By confronting our shadows, we gather the courage to face our past traumas, release suppressed emotions, and embark on a journey of profound emotional healing. This brings about a sense of liberation and freedom to fully feel and express ourselves.

 

3. Authentic Living: Integrating our shadows liberates us from societal expectations and fosters a deeper sense of authenticity. By embracing all aspects of ourselves, we give ourselves permission to live wholeheartedly, without the need for approval or validation from others.

 

4. Nurturing Relationships: As we dive into the depths of our shadows, we also learn to recognize and take responsibility for our projections and triggers. This newfound self-awareness enhances our relationships, allowing for more compassionate and honest connections with others.

 

Embarking on Your Shadow Work Journey

 

Remember, shadow work is a personal and unique journey. There are no right or wrong paths, and it's crucial to find what works best for you. You may choose to explore shadow work through therapy, journaling, meditation, creative expression, dream analysis, or by seeking guidance from a mentor or coach. Trust your intuition and take the first step towards uncovering the hidden treasures within.

 I hope this introduction to the transformative realm of shadow work has inspired you to embrace your shadows fearlessly. Remember that your shadows hold immense potential for growth, healing, and self-discovery. By embarking on the path of shadow work, you invite profound transformation into your life, unlock your hidden strengths, and ignite the spark of authenticity that resides within. Embrace your shadows. They are the doorways to becoming your most empowered Self.

The Importance of Community

I’m going to preface this next statement by acknowledging that I do not approve of generalizations. There are always exceptions, especially to my observations, and those fascinate me, but that’s a topic for a different post. So, let’s get down to it.

Humans are communal creatures. It has been scientifically proven that we thrive on interaction, acceptance and touch.  We also gravitate toward distinctly different roles within that community, creating an interdependence and a stronger chance of survival and the potential to thrive. And a natural part of that self-delineation is that some become leaders and others follow.  Neither is more or less, superior or inferior. They are simply stepping into roles based on skills and natural inclinations. The dark side of this, of course, is that humanity also has a way of letting their baser nature and less benevolent intentions take over, leading them to seek out leadership roles, exploiting them for power. But this is not guaranteed. Many natural leaders take on the role to see things done right, to help others, and because it simply needs to be done.

So why am I going into all of this? Simple. Spiritual pursuits will find you in contact with many different communities. It is up to you to determine which are best for you, as opposed to those that seem the easiest, the most direct path, or the most charismatic. Members of these communities will most likely become your friends, some like family. And don’t be surprised if one or two become “frenemies”.

Discouraging as that may sound, it’s actually a very important part of your journey as it helps you to learn to be authentic and resilient.  It teaches discernment and integrity. In a healthy community, members are as diverse in their gifts, practices and beliefs as they are in sync with each other’s goals for the groups, and for the most part, philosophies. A cohesive, nurturing group becomes a safe space where members work through differences with respect and compassion, and a healthy sense of humor.

They take their integrity, both as individuals and as a group quite seriously, but themselves, not so much. The ability to laugh with each other and at themselves is the hallmark of a healthy collective. This doesn’t mean there won’t be members who bring toxicity to the table, or the occasional fraud attempting to fit in by lying or sucking up, but with a healthy group, this problem very quickly sorts itself out.

Pick your group the way you would pick your friends. A real friend will call you on your bs with your welfare in mind. They will be the first person to support your endeavors, remind you that you can do what you set your mind to, and let you know when you’re getting in your own damn way. When you do something stupid, they’re the first to roll their eyes and ask, “How’s that working for you?”, then sit with you while you talk through a better approach and have your back when you commit to helping yourself. These are the people who probably told you not to do the stupid thing. They’ll still be there when you’re done making an ass of yourself because they want to make sure you learned from it. They want to see you do what’s best for you. They genuinely want what’s best for you without expecting perfection, and in that way, they do not judge. Eye roll, yes, judge, no.

Be wary of the groups, or group members who agree with everything you do and say; who go out of their way to be agreeable and egg you on when you know you’re about to do something foolish. Again. These are enablers, and most times, they are doing one of two things: making themselves feel better (read: superior) by watching you screw up, or setting you up to make the mistake, usually for the same reason. This has nothing to do with genuinely wanting what is best for you. It’s a superficial need to be seen as the good guy, the nice guy. Groups that operate this way are often led by egomaniacs and snake oil salesmen(women). They have ALL of your answers and will make sure you feel that they are better than you, more benevolent than you, more advanced than you, and that they know what’s best for you. Seeds of doubt are planted early, and they focus on the neediest people at first, using them to manipulate the stronger-willed. Ask yourself, “Did I know this was a bad idea?” Usually, you do.  That real friend is often the safety net that allows us to be supremely idiotic because not only will they call us on it, but they’ll also make us rethink it and seek out a better approach. A manipulator will let you keep doing the same thing over and over again so that the constant failure makes you doubt yourself and suddenly, their “wisdom” is there to save you.

Real leaders teach by sharing what has worked for them, being honest about their own stumbles, and being frank about the fact that they’re always going to make some mistakes but try to learn from them. “Try”. That’s the important word here.  Anyone who tells you they “never” make mistakes, “never fail to learn the lesson” is not being honest.  And be especially wary of anyone who makes being human seem like a weakness. Another topic for a later podcast.

Now I know some like to say, “But I’m a lone wolf.”  That may be true but understand that even wolves are pack animals, and the proverbial lone wolf is the exception rather than the rule. There are several reasons why a wolf may leave its pack, most commonly because it has come of age and must go out on its own to establish its own pack, or in some cases, challenge the alpha of another and take over his. Many times, it is a weakened wolf driven out in order to preserve the rest of the pack. In any case, like humans, survival much less thriving, becomes far more difficult.

What does this mean for solitary practitioners? Not a whole lot. While they may not be part of an established coven or other spiritual group, there is always access to a broader community, often made up of other solitary practitioners who still get together on occasion to share ideas, vent, trade, or whatever they feel like doing. You may find that in these gatherings, the usual attendees are a bit more opinionated and set in their ways. That’s not a bad thing.  They have built their customs their own way and focused on learning. Naturally, there will be the usual peppering of gatekeepers, know-it-alls and posturers, but that’s just being human, and as long as you remain in your own authenticity, they are little more than a mild annoyance. However, if you witness one of them bullying or cornering someone new to their path who may not know the red flags to watch for, be a friend. Diplomatically intervene, perhaps by inviting the cornered individual into your conversation, provide a diversion, and bring along a trusted counterpart at the same event. No doubt others have seen this behavior before and will be adept at handling it. That is the beauty of community, having each other’s backs.

Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences on Community in the comments.  To hear more on this topic, visit my podcast here: The Importance of Healthy Community

In Spirit and Sarcastic Laughter,

Raven S.

Anxiety and That First Healthy Relationship

 

Some days the anxiety wins. It took me more than fifty years to understand the grip it has on me. Not “had”. The bastard doesn’t give up easily and at times it is so impossible to tell the lies it tells from actual red flags. That’s how it wins.

And God help anyone who loves a person with crippling anxiety. We can trust you 100%, but we are convinced that something better than us will come along and will convince ourselves that you deserve that better thing, just waiting for the news that you’ve moved on. If there isn’t a better option, the next lie is that we are too much work, and we wouldn’t blame anyone for getting tired of the constant need for reassurance. Especially when we do know better because we shouldn’t need it. Yet we do.

Our practical, analytical minds know every reason and recall every act that disproves the lies, yet the bastard can use those same facts to drive anxiety higher. There are good days, we are confident in our situation yet one small thing triggers a different part of the anxiety and even when recognized and addressed early, it’s off to the races with the imagined problems and potential blow up. It’s a vicious cycle that we must chip away at over time.

Make no mistake, even as we make progress, especially with the blessing of a patient and reassuring partner, actually, because of, we slide into guilt for what we have put them through. It’s part of the gratitude and the fear of being a nuisance, a burden, unworthy.

What does anxiety look like to the supportive partner? Overthinking. Here are a few things to consider both for the Supportive Partner (or prospective Supportive Partner) and for the Overthinker.

For the Supportive Partner: Please be patient, and always be consistent. Actions must match words and if they can’t, don’t be surprised if the Overthinker becomes withdrawn or confrontational. Be prepared to help them understand why the difference. Did something come up that couldn’t be avoided? Was it a simple mistake? You are not having to justify or defend yourself; you are helping the Overthinker to remember that things happen and not every inconsistency is a conspiracy against them. This is an individual who has been intentionally lied to enough times that it is ingrained in their self-worth. Over time that programming will be undone, but it takes time and more than one instance to help them with a new reality.

Reassurance is very important and be assured that they will not easily ask for it.  Most often they have been told that they are needy, clingy or childish for wanting or needing the simplest assurance or kindnesses. This is very often a person who has been dismissed to the point that they decided no one cared or would help and has become hyper independent. They do need to learn to accept your help, your assurance, your unwavering presence. If they do reach out to you, this is huge. Be 100% engaged and listen. More often than not they do not need answers. They simply need to be heard and to know that you understand why they have fears. Again, reassure. They do need you, and the battle they are fighting inside is nearly impossible to understand unless you’ve been there. If you have, then you know and can gauge how to respond and what they need.

A touchy, but important thing to keep in mind is that the Overthinker can know full well that things are fine, you are there for them, and yet Anxiety does its usual lying and again, they are in the middle of a full-blown battle in their head, and it takes their emotions, and even their physical well being down with it. It’s important to remind them, even though they often already know, that they are overthinking, stuck in their head. Gently let them know to get out of their head. I say “gently” because they have also been gaslit repeatedly, telling them that they’re overthinking.  But in those cases, it was with the implication that they were “crazy” or wrong when in fact they were completely right.  Again, reassurance and consistency. And patience.  Hold their hand, or even better, hug them. A long silent embrace can be the Most healing, reassuring thing in the world for someone stuck in their head battling anxiety. Read the situation. If it’s bad enough, they may say “No” or resist, so take your time, do not take it personally and you will most likely find that they really do want and need that hug, and they will accept it.

Overthinkers, this is for you. NEVER compare your partner to those who hurt you before. Someone else caused you pain; do not strike out at the person who did not. You are learning to let someone love you because you have most likely been made to feel unlovable, and unworthy. Both are part of the big lie. You know it, but this is deep conditioning that has to be unraveled. Be gentle with yourself and when the emotional spiral hits, the first thing you need to start doing is addressing the anxiety for what it is: a knee jerk reaction leading to worst case scenario thoughts and all of anxiety’s lies.  Call them for what they are, lies and bad conditioning.

Anxiety is survival mode and unhealthy coping mechanisms that were once necessary but took away the ability to discern between real red flags and perceived ones. After so many painful incidents it is easier to look for red flags in everything, overthink, catching every detail and analyzing it to death and defaulting to an escape route rather than risk the pain and disappointment again. This does not resolve overnight, but by being a part of your own healing and shifting your programming to recognize that healthy patterns do exist, you will begin to release old habits and find that the spiral comes less and less often.

Acknowledge the small changes, the shifts in emotions when things that once triggered anxiety begin to lose their grip. Show your Supportive Partner that you appreciate them. Say Thank You when they compliment you and remind you that you are Worthy.  Do not get defensive when they remind you that you’re stuck inside your head. When they say that, it shows that they’re paying attention and want to help you break the cycle.

I’ve included a link below to the ADAA with helpful information.

Tips and Strategies to Manage Anxiety and Stress | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA

Be a Team. Communication; real, honest, compassionate communication is key in any relationship, but even more so here because for at least one of you, it was once a direct path to conflict and pain. You are together because of the good things you see in each other and the even better things to come. It’s not an easy path for either partner, but it is worth it.

Keep in mind that I am not a relationship counselor. I am an individual who has experienced the situations that led to Anxiety, and not just about relationships.  What I share here is from personal experience and the research I have had to do for my own sake as well as that of those closest to me.

We are all works of progress and there is brilliance in that. We learn, we grow, we connect with others, and we flourish. But we have to do the work. And we are able to cheer on others going through the same, showing them that there is something wonderful on the other side of that battle.

 

What Blackbird Diaries is About

 

What the Hell is this blog about? 

Where to begin? I created this blog to accompany a podcast I am in the process of launching. The Blackbird Diaries are to be a collection of discussions around Spirituality's not-so-common common sense side, self-accountability and how our spiritual lives are not separate from the rest of our day to day lives. 

The topics I'll cover may range from practices such as Mediumship, to Shadow Work (REAL Shadow Work), the importance of duality, and the need to celebrate being Human, as most spiritual teachings these days seem bent on convincing consumers that they have to "rise above" being Human instead of understanding and honoring the brilliant opportunities that come with that experience. 

At times I may share some of my own experiences to illustrate the points I attempt to make. I am no guru, no scholar and by no means would be mistaken for a saint. I like my flaws, embrace my demons and use those to help me learn about others and attempt to understand where they're coming from and where they may be on their own path. 

Be warned, I am not fluffy love and light, nor am I out to be scary or shocking. I am, however, absolutely capable of responding to any and all stupidity and self-righteousness with sarcasm. And I will. Do I sound judgmental? Probably. That's on purpose. We are all judgmental whether we admit it or not. We have the ability to discern good from bad, right from wrong and countless other decisions we make daily. So I'm being up front here for anyone who feels that spirituality is "unconditional" and "nonjudgmental", that is not me, not my podcast. I prefer honesty and the right of anyone to believe as they wish, and make all the mistakes they choose to make, because that is the best learning experience. In other words, I will defend their right to be a dumbass as frequently as they choose, but I'll probably comment on it, too.  And I'd expect folks to call me out as my good friends always do. 

So I hope you enjoy what you read, and there will be corresponding podcasts for each of the topics I cover. Links will be provided between the two. 

In the meantime, be good to yourself and each other. 

Cheers,

Raven Sexton