The Importance of Community

I’m going to preface this next statement by acknowledging that I do not approve of generalizations. There are always exceptions, especially to my observations, and those fascinate me, but that’s a topic for a different post. So, let’s get down to it.

Humans are communal creatures. It has been scientifically proven that we thrive on interaction, acceptance and touch.  We also gravitate toward distinctly different roles within that community, creating an interdependence and a stronger chance of survival and the potential to thrive. And a natural part of that self-delineation is that some become leaders and others follow.  Neither is more or less, superior or inferior. They are simply stepping into roles based on skills and natural inclinations. The dark side of this, of course, is that humanity also has a way of letting their baser nature and less benevolent intentions take over, leading them to seek out leadership roles, exploiting them for power. But this is not guaranteed. Many natural leaders take on the role to see things done right, to help others, and because it simply needs to be done.

So why am I going into all of this? Simple. Spiritual pursuits will find you in contact with many different communities. It is up to you to determine which are best for you, as opposed to those that seem the easiest, the most direct path, or the most charismatic. Members of these communities will most likely become your friends, some like family. And don’t be surprised if one or two become “frenemies”.

Discouraging as that may sound, it’s actually a very important part of your journey as it helps you to learn to be authentic and resilient.  It teaches discernment and integrity. In a healthy community, members are as diverse in their gifts, practices and beliefs as they are in sync with each other’s goals for the groups, and for the most part, philosophies. A cohesive, nurturing group becomes a safe space where members work through differences with respect and compassion, and a healthy sense of humor.

They take their integrity, both as individuals and as a group quite seriously, but themselves, not so much. The ability to laugh with each other and at themselves is the hallmark of a healthy collective. This doesn’t mean there won’t be members who bring toxicity to the table, or the occasional fraud attempting to fit in by lying or sucking up, but with a healthy group, this problem very quickly sorts itself out.

Pick your group the way you would pick your friends. A real friend will call you on your bs with your welfare in mind. They will be the first person to support your endeavors, remind you that you can do what you set your mind to, and let you know when you’re getting in your own damn way. When you do something stupid, they’re the first to roll their eyes and ask, “How’s that working for you?”, then sit with you while you talk through a better approach and have your back when you commit to helping yourself. These are the people who probably told you not to do the stupid thing. They’ll still be there when you’re done making an ass of yourself because they want to make sure you learned from it. They want to see you do what’s best for you. They genuinely want what’s best for you without expecting perfection, and in that way, they do not judge. Eye roll, yes, judge, no.

Be wary of the groups, or group members who agree with everything you do and say; who go out of their way to be agreeable and egg you on when you know you’re about to do something foolish. Again. These are enablers, and most times, they are doing one of two things: making themselves feel better (read: superior) by watching you screw up, or setting you up to make the mistake, usually for the same reason. This has nothing to do with genuinely wanting what is best for you. It’s a superficial need to be seen as the good guy, the nice guy. Groups that operate this way are often led by egomaniacs and snake oil salesmen(women). They have ALL of your answers and will make sure you feel that they are better than you, more benevolent than you, more advanced than you, and that they know what’s best for you. Seeds of doubt are planted early, and they focus on the neediest people at first, using them to manipulate the stronger-willed. Ask yourself, “Did I know this was a bad idea?” Usually, you do.  That real friend is often the safety net that allows us to be supremely idiotic because not only will they call us on it, but they’ll also make us rethink it and seek out a better approach. A manipulator will let you keep doing the same thing over and over again so that the constant failure makes you doubt yourself and suddenly, their “wisdom” is there to save you.

Real leaders teach by sharing what has worked for them, being honest about their own stumbles, and being frank about the fact that they’re always going to make some mistakes but try to learn from them. “Try”. That’s the important word here.  Anyone who tells you they “never” make mistakes, “never fail to learn the lesson” is not being honest.  And be especially wary of anyone who makes being human seem like a weakness. Another topic for a later podcast.

Now I know some like to say, “But I’m a lone wolf.”  That may be true but understand that even wolves are pack animals, and the proverbial lone wolf is the exception rather than the rule. There are several reasons why a wolf may leave its pack, most commonly because it has come of age and must go out on its own to establish its own pack, or in some cases, challenge the alpha of another and take over his. Many times, it is a weakened wolf driven out in order to preserve the rest of the pack. In any case, like humans, survival much less thriving, becomes far more difficult.

What does this mean for solitary practitioners? Not a whole lot. While they may not be part of an established coven or other spiritual group, there is always access to a broader community, often made up of other solitary practitioners who still get together on occasion to share ideas, vent, trade, or whatever they feel like doing. You may find that in these gatherings, the usual attendees are a bit more opinionated and set in their ways. That’s not a bad thing.  They have built their customs their own way and focused on learning. Naturally, there will be the usual peppering of gatekeepers, know-it-alls and posturers, but that’s just being human, and as long as you remain in your own authenticity, they are little more than a mild annoyance. However, if you witness one of them bullying or cornering someone new to their path who may not know the red flags to watch for, be a friend. Diplomatically intervene, perhaps by inviting the cornered individual into your conversation, provide a diversion, and bring along a trusted counterpart at the same event. No doubt others have seen this behavior before and will be adept at handling it. That is the beauty of community, having each other’s backs.

Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences on Community in the comments.  To hear more on this topic, visit my podcast here: The Importance of Healthy Community

In Spirit and Sarcastic Laughter,

Raven S.