Shadow Work Series #2 - Compassion vs. Excuses – When Empathy Turns Into Enabling

 

Let’s talk about one of the trickiest traps in the healing world: mistaking compassion for a get-out-of-accountability-free card.

Shadow work means having compassion for your wound, but not weaponizing them. It means being gentle with yourself without turning a blind eye to the ways you avoid growth. And it means spotting the difference between true empathy and enabling your own (or someone else’s) BS.

Here’s the deal: you can love yourself *and* call yourself out.

That’s not cruelty. That’s integrity.

“Compassion says, ‘I see why you did that.’ Accountability says, ‘But we’re not doing that anymore.’ Both are sacred.”

It's imperative to recognize that sometimes we did things to survive because our options were limited. Sometimes we made choices we’re not proud of because we didn’t know there were better ones, or we hadn’t yet grasped the consequences. That is part of being human. However, as we grow in experiences, our list of options changes and expands, and we know better. Integrity is making the wiser choice. That is now. Have compassion for the past Self that perhaps did not know another way, have better options at their disposal or possess the maturity to approach the situation differently.

What This Looks Like in Real Life:
- You recognize that your trust issues come from trauma, but you stop using that as an excuse to ghost people instead of communicating
- You understand your fear of rejection, but you still show up and speak up
- You see that you learned people-pleasing to stay safe, but now you set boundaries even when it’s uncomfortable

Real compassion gives context, not permission to stay stuck. It creates space for your humanity, but it also expects you to evolve.

Signs You’re Slipping Into Excuse Mode:
- You justify unhealthy behavior because “you’re healing”
- You avoid hard conversations because “you’re protecting your energy”
- You keep repeating the same pattern while calling it a lesson
- You over-identify with your trauma instead of working through it

Let’s be real: you’re allowed to mess up. You’re allowed to regress. But if every mistake becomes a sacred act of self-expression, you might be dodging growth in the name of healing.

Try This:
- Ask yourself: “Is this self-care or self-avoidance?”
- Journal: “What’s the truth I know but haven’t wanted to admit?”
- Set one small boundary this week even if it scares the hell out of you

Shadow work demands self-awareness, not self-adoration. If your compassion never challenges you, it’s not compassion. It’s comfort.

Growth isn’t found in constant self-soothing. It’s found in that sharp, honest place where you say, “Yeah, this part of me needs work and I love/respect myself enough to do it.”

Next up: **What Are You Projecting Onto Everyone Else?**