Real Talk #4 - If You Need to Be the Healer to Feel Valuable, That’s a Wound—Not a Calling

 

Here’s a gut check.

If your sense of worth depends on whether you’re fixing, guiding, or emotionally rescuing someone, you’re not just helping. You’re hooked. That’s not healing—that’s self-validation through codependency.

There’s a difference between answering a call to serve and using healing as a way to matter. One is grounded. The other is compulsive.

This is especially tricky in spiritual and coaching spaces. We get praised for helping. We’re told we’re “natural healers,” “old souls,” “lightworkers.” But if we aren’t careful, that praise becomes a trap. We start defining ourselves by how much we’re needed.

The wound? That belief that unless you’re useful, you’re worthless.

That’s not a spiritual calling. That’s a survival strategy.

Here’s the real work:
- Can you feel valuable when no one is leaning on you?
- Can you sit with someone’s pain without rushing to fix it?
- Can you let people struggle without making it about your failure?

Being a healer is not about saving people. It’s about creating space for them to choose their own healing. And sometimes, that means stepping back, not forward.

You are not your usefulness. You are not your clients’ progress. You are not your partner’s emotional crutch. You are allowed to just be.

If your identity is tangled up in always being the strong one, the wise one, the helper, it might be time to ask: Who am I without the role?

Because that’s where your real healing begins.

Real Talk #3 - Being Empathic Doesn’t Excuse Being Irresponsible

 

Let’s talk about something that might sting a little.

Being sensitive is not the same as being entitled to opt out of responsibility. Being overwhelmed by emotion doesn't make it okay to flake, ghost, overstep, or dump your unprocessed stuff onto other people. “Empathic” is not a hall pass for poor boundaries or poor behavior.

A lot of people in spiritual spaces use empathy as a shield. “I just feel everything so deeply” becomes a reason to avoid accountability. But feeling deeply doesn’t exempt you from owning your actions. In fact, it should make you more aware of your impact.

Empathy is a strength. But like any strength, it requires training. If you’re constantly absorbing other people’s energy to the point where you’re unreliable, reactive, or manipulative, it’s time to check in. That’s not empathy. That’s leakage.

Here’s what being a responsible empath looks like:
- You ground yourself before you engage
- You don’t make your overwhelm other people’s problem
- You communicate when you’re at capacity
- You take ownership when you mess up

You don’t get to say “that’s just how I am.” You get to say “this is where I’m working on it.”

If you’re empathic, your job is to lead with compassion—starting with yourself. That means learning how to filter what you take in and how you respond. It means doing the work to strengthen your nervous system and your emotional maturity.

You can feel everything and still take responsibility for how you show up.

That’s the real work. That’s being empathic *and* accountable.

Real Talk #2 - The Universe Isn’t Testing You—You’re Just Not Changing Your Pattern

 

Let’s clear something up right now.

The Universe is not some cosmic school principal handing out pop quizzes to see if you’re “ready” to ascend. Most of the time, what we call a “test” is just a pattern we haven’t interrupted. Not divine punishment. Not karma in real time. Just repetition.

If you keep attracting the same kind of relationship, job, or chaos, it’s not because the Universe is trying to teach you a lesson. It’s because you haven’t made a different choice yet. That’s not judgment—it’s liberation. It means you have agency.

Spiritual folks love to talk about “lessons” and “signs,” but too often, that becomes an excuse to avoid responsibility. The pattern shows up, you feel stuck, and instead of changing behavior, you look up and say, “Why is this happening *again*?”

Because you haven’t interrupted the loop.

Patterns persist when they’re comfortable, familiar, or serving a hidden function. Sometimes the pattern is keeping you safe. Sometimes it’s letting you off the hook. Sometimes it’s just what you’re used to. But calling it a “test” gives your power away.

Shadow work asks: What am I doing to keep this cycle alive?

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about waking up. It’s about owning your role in what you recreate, so you can choose something else. And yeah, it’s hard. Changing patterns means discomfort, risk, and probably screwing it up the first few times.

But it’s worth it.

You’re not being tested. You’re being invited. Again and again. The question is: are you ready to answer differently this time?

Patterns don’t change by hoping. They change by choice. Even when it’s messy. Especially then.

Real Talk #1 - Spiritual Bypassing Isn’t Healing

 

First, let me preface this by saying that this series, "Real Talk" is a collection of 13 brief thoughts to ponder. Consider them the small bits of insight that you may receive from that one relative or friend that's seen some shit. Each blog post is short and to the point. More than a meme; less than a Self-Help ebook. I will, however, be expanding on these topics in the podcast very soon.

That said, let's start here:

Avoidance dressed up as enlightenment is still avoidance. It doesn’t matter how many affirmations you tape to your mirror or how many white candles you burn—if you’re using “positive vibes only” to bulldoze over your grief, your fear, your rage, or your trauma, you’re not healing. You’re spiritually bypassing. And that mess piles up, fast.

Healing isn’t tidy. It’s not comfortable. It doesn’t always feel like a breakthrough. Sometimes it’s ugly crying on the kitchen floor. Sometimes it’s realizing that love and boundaries can—and must—coexist. Sometimes it’s admitting you’ve been performing growth while avoiding real change.

Spiritual bypassing happens when people skip the actual emotional work and call it healing. They forgive people who haven’t apologized, they repeat “everything happens for a reason” instead of facing their own choices, and they avoid conflict because it makes them feel spiritually ‘low vibrational.’

But here’s the truth: conflict isn’t toxic. Avoiding your truth is.

Shadow work means owning your entire self—not just the parts that make people clap. Real healing invites discomfort. It asks you to sit with the stuff that makes your skin crawl. It dares you to stop performing and start transforming.

So next time you catch yourself reaching for a quick spiritual ‘fix,’ ask yourself:
- Am I avoiding something?
- Who am I trying to protect—myself, or the illusion of being okay?
- What would happen if I stopped pretending?

You don’t have to heal beautifully. You just have to heal honestly.

That’s the real work. And it’s worth it.

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 7: It's Still In There

 

Even if you have ignored your intuition for years, it has not disappeared. It may be quiet, but it is still there, waiting for you to listen.

Trauma, conditioning, and the habit of prioritizing others' voices can bury your inner knowing under layers of doubt. But intuition is resilient. The moment you start making space for it, it begins to re-emerge.

Starting Small

The process often begins with subtle signals. A gentle sense of unease in a certain situation. A small pull toward a particular choice. Acting on these small nudges builds trust. Your intuition learns that when it speaks, you listen.

Patience and Practice

Rebuilding trust with yourself takes time. You may miss signals or misinterpret them at first. That is part of the process. Each time you try, you strengthen the connection. Give yourself permission to get it wrong while you relearn how to listen.

A Gentle Reminder

Your intuition is not here to control you. It is here to guide you. It will not punish you for past neglect. It will simply keep offering guidance, waiting for you to tune in.

I once spoke to someone who felt she had "lost" her intuition after years in an environment where her voice was constantly dismissed. When she began honoring small preferences — what she wanted to eat, how she wanted to spend her weekends — she noticed her deeper guidance starting to return.

Practical Ways to Reconnect

1. Daily Check-Ins – Ask yourself each morning, "What do I need today?"
2. Follow Small Desires – Say yes to the little things that bring you joy, even if they seem insignificant.
3. Remove Noise – Limit time in spaces that drown out your own voice.

Why It Matters

Listening to your intuition changes your relationship with yourself. It deepens self-respect, strengthens confidence, and creates a sense of partnership between your mind and your inner voice. No matter how far you have drifted, it is always possible to come back.

**Journal Prompts:**
- When have I recently felt a quiet nudge from within?
- How can I create more space in my life to hear myself?
- What would it look like to trust my inner voice again?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 6: Not For Sale

 

In a world where everything is branded, packaged, and sold, it is easy to forget that your intuition is not a commodity. It does not need to be certified or validated by anyone to be real.

Yes, you can take courses to sharpen your awareness. Yes, mentorship can be helpful. But no program or teacher can sell you the inner knowing you already have. Your intuition is yours. It is not a product.

The Risk of Outsourcing Your Knowing

When you forget that your intuition is yours, you may start to rely on others to confirm every decision you make. This can be dangerous if those voices have something to gain from your dependence. A trustworthy guide will always send you back to yourself.

I have seen people hand over their decision-making power to coaches, spiritual teachers, or communities, believing they could not trust themselves without external confirmation. The longer this pattern continues, the more disconnected they become from their own instincts.

Protecting Your Compass

Your intuition is the ultimate authority on your life. This does not mean you should never seek outside perspectives. It means you weigh all advice against your own truth. The danger is in believing that someone else can know your inner reality better than you can.

A Story to Remember

I once worked with a client who would not make a major life move without running it past her coach. When the coach encouraged a path that felt wrong to her, she followed it anyway and regretted it deeply. Her turning point came when she realized she had paid to ignore herself.

After that, she committed to a rule: she could seek feedback, but her final answer had to come from within. The result was a complete shift in how she approached decisions — with more clarity, more confidence, and far fewer regrets.

Practical Steps to Keep Your Intuition Sovereign

1. **Limit External Input** – When facing a big decision, resist the urge to poll every friend or mentor before you have checked in with yourself.
2. **Create Reflection Space** – Spend time in silence or nature to hear your own thoughts clearly.
3. **Test Small Decisions** – Build trust with your intuition by applying it to daily choices before major ones.

Why It Matters

Your intuition is part of your birthright. It is personal, free, and priceless. No one can give it to you. No one can take it away.

**Journal Prompts:**
- Where have I been tempted to outsource my knowing?
- Who in my life encourages my autonomy?
- How can I remind myself that my intuition is already mine?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 5: Listening When It’s Inconvenient

 

Your intuition rarely waits for the "perfect" moment to speak. In fact, it often shows up at the most inconvenient times — right before a big event, in the middle of a project, or when you have already made plans that seem too far along to change.

Sometimes, the timing feels so disruptive that it is tempting to ignore it. Maybe you get a sudden pull to decline a big opportunity that looks flawless on paper. Maybe you feel a deep urge to rest in the middle of a busy season when you cannot imagine slowing down. Or perhaps you sense it is time to leave a relationship or role you have invested years into.

The discomfort comes from the fact that intuition is loyal to truth, not convenience. And truth does not always line up with your calendar, commitments, or other people's expectations.

Why Inconvenient Guidance Feels So Hard to Follow

When your intuition speaks at a "bad time," it can create tension between your inner voice and the world around you. Friends and colleagues might question your decision. Logic might argue that you are overreacting. Your own mind may spiral into fear about what you will lose if you act.

This is the moment where self-trust is tested. It is easy to honor your intuition when it tells you what you want to hear. It is much harder when it pushes you toward something uncomfortable, uncertain, or misunderstood.

The Cost of Ignoring It

Ignoring inconvenient guidance often brings a temporary sense of relief — you get to stay on the safe path, avoid hard conversations, and keep your plans intact. But over time, the cost shows up as burnout, resentment, missed opportunities, or a deep sense of being "off track."

Your intuition is not trying to ruin your plans; it is trying to protect your alignment. If you silence it too often, you start training yourself to tune it out.

How to Listen Without Acting Impulsively

Honoring inconvenient intuition does not mean you have to blow up your life overnight. Here are a few ways to create space for it:

1. **Pause and Acknowledge** – The first step is simply admitting to yourself that you feel what you feel, without rushing to explain it away.
2. **Journal the Details** – Write down exactly what you sense and when it came up. Noticing patterns can help you separate passing moods from deeper knowing.
3. **Test the Message** – See how the guidance holds up over a few days or weeks. True intuition often becomes clearer over time, while fear tends to fade or shift.
4. **Plan Your Response** – Even if you cannot act right now, outline the steps you would take if you were to honor the guidance. This keeps the door open for aligned action later.

A Real-Life Example

Several years ago, I was offered a collaboration that seemed perfect — great exposure, mutual benefit, and excellent timing in my business calendar. Yet the moment I read the contract, a quiet but steady "no" rose up. It made no sense logically, and I worried about looking foolish if I turned it down.

I chose to listen. Weeks later, I learned that the project had collapsed due to major internal conflict. My inconvenient "no" had saved me from months of wasted energy.

The Ripple Effect of Saying Yes to Yourself

Every time you listen to your intuition, even when it complicates your life, you reinforce your self-trust. You teach yourself that your inner voice matters — and that you will back it up with action. Over time, this creates a deep confidence that makes future decisions easier, no matter how inconvenient the timing.

**Journal Prompts:**
- When has my intuition told me something I did not want to hear?
- What was the cost of ignoring it?
- How can I create space in my life to act on inconvenient guidance without fear of chaos?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 4: Inner Credibility

 

Inner credibility is the trust you place in your own perceptions, decisions, and wisdom. It’s the belief that your perspective matters and that you can rely on it, even in the face of doubt or disagreement from others. Without inner credibility, intuition often gets dismissed before it has a chance to be heard.

What Inner Credibility Looks Like

When you have inner credibility, you can take in outside opinions without feeling pressured to abandon your own knowing. You might consider feedback and even change your mind when it feels right, but you do so from a grounded place rather than from fear of being wrong.

For example, imagine you are buying a home and your intuition tells you that a certain property is the right one. A friend might point out its flaws or suggest another option. If you have inner credibility, you can weigh their input without immediately discarding your own sense of what feels aligned.

How We Lose It

Inner credibility can erode over time for many reasons. Growing up in environments where your voice was dismissed or your choices were constantly second-guessed can make it harder to believe yourself. Toxic workplaces or relationships where your perspective was minimized can have the same effect. The more often you override your inner knowing to please others, the less you trust yourself.

Over time, this can lead to chronic indecision, dependence on others for validation, and a disconnect from your intuition.

Rebuilding Inner Credibility

The good news is that inner credibility can be rebuilt with practice and intentionality. Here are a few ways to start:

1. Acknowledge past dismissals – Recognize where and when your voice was undermined. Awareness is the first step to reclaiming it.
2. Start with small decisions – Practice trusting yourself on low-stakes choices. This builds confidence over time.
3. Separate input from authority – Accept that other people’s opinions can be useful, but they are not the final word on your life.
4. Keep a self-trust journal – Record moments when you listened to yourself and it worked out. Revisit these entries when doubt creeps in.

The Link to Intuition

Without inner credibility, intuition gets drowned out by the louder voices of fear, habit, and external influence. Building credibility with yourself ensures that when your intuition speaks, you hear it and give it weight.

I once worked with a client who had spent years deferring to her partner on every major decision. When she began practicing small acts of self-trust—choosing how to spend her free time, voicing her preferences in conversations—she noticed her intuitive sense becoming stronger and easier to access.

Why It Matters

Inner credibility is the foundation of intuitive living. Without it, even the clearest inner signal can be ignored. With it, you can navigate uncertainty with confidence, knowing that your own voice has value.

**Journal Prompts:**

- Where in my life have I doubted my own perspective?
- How did I learn to question myself?
- What’s one small choice I can make today purely based on my own sense of what’s right?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 3: Unlearning Fear

 

Fear is a skilled impersonator of intuition. It knows how to mimic the urgency of a gut feeling, and it often convinces us to shrink back from opportunities or people who could actually be safe and supportive.

When you’ve been hurt, your body learns to associate certain sensations, expressions, or environments with danger. This is protective, but it’s also limiting. To reclaim your intuition, you have to unlearn some of that fear.

The Difference Between Caution and Constriction
Healthy caution comes from a grounded awareness of reality. Fear-based constriction is rooted in the past. The challenge is that both can feel intense. One closes you down to keep you safe in a real threat. The other keeps you closed long after the threat is gone.

Asking the Right Questions
Unlearning fear starts with curiosity:
- Is there actual evidence of danger here, or am I feeling this because of what happened before?
- If someone else described my situation, would I see danger or possibility?
- What does my body feel like when I am truly safe?

Tools for Separating Fear from Intuition
Grounding practices can help separate fear from intuition. Breathing deeply, placing your feet firmly on the floor, or scanning your environment for signs of safety can help your body recognize when it’s okay to stand down. Journaling can also reveal patterns, you might see that certain “warnings” always happen in similar, non-threatening contexts.

A Real Example
I once accepted a collaboration even though something felt “off” about it. Weeks later, I realized the “off” feeling was triggered by the person’s confident communication style, something I associated with a confidence in them but was lacking in me. My unexamined fear of not being able to make it on my own made me jump at the chance.  Later I would learn that they had a “fake it ‘til you make it” philosophy, hoping to ride my hard work and credibility, so I respectfully stepped away. I learned to see myself in a better light and they learned to do their own work.

Why This Matters
The goal isn’t to eliminate fear, fear is natural and sometimes helpful. The goal is to stop letting fear be the only voice you listen to. When fear quiets, intuition has space to speak.

Reclaiming your intuition means allowing both safety and possibility to coexist. It’s not about forcing yourself into unsafe situations. It’s about knowing when your inner “no” comes from wisdom, and when it comes from a wound.

**Journal Prompts:**
- What fears show up most often when I try to trust myself?
- What helps me tell the difference between fear and intuition?
- How can I soothe my body so I can hear my intuition more clearly?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 2: What Intuition Feels Like

 

Intuition is a quiet, steady voice that often gets drowned out by the noise of daily life. Many people confuse it with gut reactions, fear, or wishful thinking, but intuition has its own distinct feel. The more familiar you become with it, the easier it is to recognize and trust.

The Subtle Nature of Intuition

Intuition rarely shouts. It arrives as a whisper, a gentle nudge, or a clear knowing that doesn’t seem to come from logical reasoning. You might feel it as a sudden clarity about a decision or as a quiet but persistent pull toward or away from something. Unlike fear, which often feels urgent and overwhelming, intuition is calm and steady, even when it is warning you about something important.

For example, you might meet someone new and feel an immediate sense of ease, as if you have known them for years. There may be no obvious reason for this, yet your body and mind register it as safe. Alternatively, you might walk into a situation that looks fine on the surface but feel a subtle discomfort, like your energy is pulling back. These sensations are worth paying attention to.

How It Shows Up in the Body

Your body often registers intuitive messages before your conscious mind does. This can look like a relaxed openness when something is right, or a tightening in your chest and shoulders when something is off. Some people feel intuition in their stomach, experiencing either a light, expansive feeling or a heavy, sinking sensation. Over time, noticing these patterns can help you tell intuition apart from emotional reactions.

One key distinction: fear often creates tension and a scattered feeling, while intuition brings clarity, even when it is guiding you toward something that scares you.

Differentiating Intuition from Wishful Thinking

Wishful thinking is fueled by desire, it’s the voice that wants things to turn out a certain way and looks for evidence to support that hope. Intuition is different. It offers information without attachment to the outcome. You might want something to be right, but if your intuition says otherwise, you will feel that subtle but persistent dissonance.

For instance, you might want a new job opportunity to be perfect. Your friends might encourage it, and the salary might be ideal, but each time you think about accepting, there’s a faint but consistent heaviness in your chest. That’s intuition speaking, even if your mind doesn’t like what it hears.

Building Sensitivity to Your Intuition

Recognizing your intuition takes practice. Here are a few steps you can try:

1. Create quiet moments – Spend time without distractions to notice subtle impressions.
2. Check your body’s response – Before making a choice, pause and see what your body feels like when you imagine each option.
3. Record your impressions – Keep a journal of intuitive hits and their outcomes. Over time, you will see patterns that confirm your inner knowing.
4. Test on low-stakes decisions – Practice with simple choices, like what route to take home, and see how it feels when you follow that inner pull.

The more you practice, the more your intuition becomes a trusted companion rather than a fleeting impression.

Why This Matters

Learning what intuition feels like gives you a powerful tool for navigating life. It allows you to make decisions that align with your deeper truth, rather than reacting out of fear or outside pressure. Over time, this leads to choices that feel right not just in the moment, but in the long run.

**Journal Prompts**:

- How do I typically feel when I know something is right?
- Where in my body do I tend to feel warning signs?
- What’s one small way I can practice listening to my intuition this week?

Reclaiming Your Intuition – # 1: Your Gut Feeling Might Be Your Trauma Talking

 

Let’s be honest: not every “gut feeling” is divine intuition. Sometimes it’s your trauma wearing a spiritual mask, speaking in a voice that sounds like truth but is really fear dressed up as guidance. And to be frank, every time I see a meme on social media proclaiming “If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. That’s your intuition.” No, very often, it’s not. So I am sharing this series on the difference between intuition or “gut feeling” and knee-jerk reaction that comes from several sources: fear, trauma, and unfamiliarity. In some cases, it heralds a need to heal, and in others, to learn. To broaden one’s horizons and use common sense.

That can be a difficult thing to admit, especially if you’ve been told to “always trust your gut.” But if you’ve lived through betrayal, chaos, abuse, or even subtle emotional neglect, your body becomes a finely tuned danger detector. You learn to read micro-expressions, feel tension in the air, and sense shifts in tone or energy before anyone else notices. It’s an incredible survival skill , but survival skills and pure intuition are not always the same thing.

When It’s Not Intuition , It’s Memory
What feels like a warning might actually be a flashback. Your body remembers what hurt before and braces to protect you, even if the present moment is perfectly safe. That sensation can be sharp and immediate: a sudden drop in your stomach, a tightening in your chest, or an overwhelming urge to leave.

The tricky part? Intuition can create those sensations too. The difference is in the quality of the signal. True intuition feels steady, clear, and quietly confident. Trauma feels urgent, loud, and demanding. Intuition gives you time to breathe; trauma insists you act now.

The Pause That Saves You
One of the most powerful tools for sorting this out is the pause. When a gut feeling hits, don’t move right away. Take a few deep breaths. Feel your feet on the floor. Ask yourself:
- Is this my knowing, or is this my past?
- Am I responding to what’s here, or to a pattern I’ve seen before?
- Does this feel like clarity, or does it feel like panic?

The pause doesn’t mean you’re ignoring your instincts , it means you’re giving your nervous system time to settle so you can hear the truth underneath the static.

A Real-Life Example
I once met someone who immediately made me feel uneasy. The old me would have labeled that intuition and cut them off. But when I checked in, I realized they reminded me , in voice, posture, and even hairstyle , of someone from my past who had deeply hurt me. It wasn’t them that was unsafe; it was my memory talking.

By noticing that, I could choose consciously: stay open but cautious, rather than shutting the door completely. The relationship turned out to be positive , and I gained trust in my ability to discern.

Rebuilding Trust With Yourself
If you’ve been in survival mode for years, it’s normal to doubt your intuition. You might even feel like it’s broken. It’s not. It’s just buried under the noise of your body’s defense system.

By practicing the pause, by separating fear from fact, you slowly clear the channel. You learn that you can protect yourself and stay open to connection.

Why This Matters
If you confuse trauma with intuition, you risk closing yourself off from safe opportunities, meaningful relationships, and growth. But when you learn to tell the difference, you make choices based on reality, not reflex.

That’s how you reclaim your inner authority. That’s how you step into the kind of self-trust that changes everything.

**Journal Prompts:**  Find a quiet moment, sit with these questions and journal your thoughts. Start with your initial reaction. Don’t overthink it. Just write it down. Give it a day, come back and read what you wrote. This will give you insights into your patterns and help you identify where to work toward healing.

- When have I mistaken fear for intuition?
- What does real inner knowing feel like in my body?
- What situations trigger a “false alarm” in my system?